a means to an end...a means to a beginning...

**to order a coloring book, please look to the left of this blog post and click "Buy Now" to go to PayPal and purchase!**


dearest kiddos,

i am pretty excited about my latest endeavor.  it's finally done!

a while ago I started trying to think of unique ways to raise money that will go towards the expenses of getting you guys here.  somewhere in there, i tried to find some sort of children's book that we could give you guys to help you understand a little bit more what to expect when you come to America.  one of my favorite moments of our trip to Sierra Leone was when dad took you guys to the bathroom and you encountered the electric hand dryer.  it was really loud, and so you were scared at first because you didn't know what it was.  you quickly learned it wouldn't hurt you and you started having a BLAST holding your hands and faces under it to feel the warm air.  i never could find a book about those things...

so that got me thinking...what if i wrote my own book that helped you learn about some things to expect when you get home?  because i couldn't find what i wanted, i decided i would write and draw a coloring book just for you!  that way you all could do one of your favorite activities (coloring) and get familiar with a few sometimes scary and unknown things you will come across when you get to America.  it took me a while, but i finally finished it.  then i thought, well there are a lot of families that would maybe find this coloring book beneficial!  families who are in the process of adopting kids, families who have adopted kids, kids who have friends who are adopted, or kids who have siblings who are adopted!  to me, it was perfect - a way to help adopted kids AND a way to raise money to help get our children home!

here are some of my favorite letters:

(Dad must be scared of the vacuum.  He never goes near that thing!)

i will bring four books with me next time we come see you.  i don't know when that will be, but i know when we're there we can go through these books together and talk about the things in them.  what is scary, what is exciting, and some other things you might be able to expect!  i do hope this coloring book will help us talk about our new family and our new life together.  i also hope it can help other families talk about things, too.  at the very least, it will help kids learn the alphabet!  kinda like you guys:

these last few weeks have been tough.  dad and i think about you so much, and we miss you so badly.  we wish you were here for so many things!  we've had a lot of changes lately, and these changes are really forcing us to trust in God, trust in His greater plan, and have faith that He will take care of us.  i am learning that a lot of things about my life a few months ago (a few weeks ago even) must not fit into this plan, because i am faced with a new direction.  i do feel certain, though, that these changes are for the best, and i believe they are preparing us to be the parents that you need us to be.

i love you all.  i can't wait to see you...maybe in the next few months?

lots and lots and lots of love,
mom

some days you gotta hurt...

fo, ab, suf, and ka,

wow, today is hard for some reason.  usually i breeze through this waiting thing.  walkin' around like "i'm good, i got this, no big deal!"  and most of the time i do, but today is tough.  usually they're random days that sneak up and grab me.  no bad news today.  no concrete reason to be sad.  no need to dwell on it.  but then again, sometimes i do need to dwell on it.

we had the incredible honor of hosting your center's director quami, his wife madonna, and their brand new baby karen for dinner last night.  auntie erica spoke at a church near our house last night, and so we invited the agbermodjis, rusts, grams, auntie allison, and garret-james-kirschbaums over for some dinner.  it was pretty surreal to have quami in our living room, eating a hamburger off a floral paper plate and drinking from a pink plastic cup, but there he was.  a little piece of all of you right there in front of us.  he's an incredible man, and i hope we have the opportunity to continue to keep quami in our lives even after you guys come home.  he's been a blessing to you all and the other 120 orphans he presides over.  and so he is a blessing to me and dad, too.  he told us you are all doing well.  he said you still fight every time you get a chance, sufian!  (we're gonna need to work on that.)  kaday, he said your behavior is getting better and better.

dad and i are trying to make a tough decision, and i wish God could just shoot me a quick email and give me a clear answer.  whatever happens, i know He is in control, but i want to be in control of when He's in control.  you know?  so God, time to be in control...riiiiiiight NOW!  no?  WHEN?!?!

i have that little lump in my throat that tells me i miss you BAD.  the good news is we get to skype tomorrow!  i am very thankful for that huge blessing and gift.  few parents get to skype with their children halfway across the world while they're waiting to bring them home.  so i will treasure these skypes, but they'll never quite be enough.

when will you get here?  i don't know.
when can we go to court?  i don't know.
all four at once?  i don't know.
how will you do it?  i don't know.

one day we will look back and barely remember this part (i think.)  we'll snuggle up with an iPad, and i'll read this blog to you, and you'll hear how badly we wanted you to be home with us, and you WILL be home with us!  one day.

"soon?  God?  yes?  no?  hello?  ok, i'll wait.  life is on Your timeline, not mine.  you keep a calendar better than i do anyway..."

i love you all like crazy.  i dream about you all the time.  sometimes all four of you, sometimes two of you, sometimes just one of you.  every night i get to see you, and it's always happy.

i love you,
mom

p.s. - dad has this crazy, harebrained idea that we're getting an electric car.  i told him i've made enough big decisions in life this past year to last me...well, a lifetime, so it's up to him.  it would be pretty sweet to drive around in a goofy looking electric car with four gorgeous black kids filling it up.  to balance things out we'll get a suburban.  then we can be environmentalists AND have a vehicle that can fit the whole family + dog.

Sufian with a "sweet"

Abdul being his handsome self

Foday and his first album cover

Kaday and her "probably shouldn't be touching this but i'm going to anyway" face

one less unknown...

cadhi.
cadi.
kadi.
kadey.
kaday.

KADAY!!!!  that's the official spelling.

we now know one more thing about you, my sweet girl.

love,
mom

too much of a good thing...is a good thing...

dearest kids,

a friend of mine and Auntie Meganjames' wrote this about our situation.  i thought she said it beautifully, and so i wanted to share it with you.  some day when you're older, you'll realize we took this step out of FAITH...nothing more...nothing less.

i love you so much!

http://www.365daysofcountrymusic.com/uncategorized/adopting-too-many-orphans-is-a-good-thing/

I haven’t yet addressed this whole subject here on the blog because I simply couldn’t figure out how to put something like this into words. My all time favorite word is mercy. Graceranks pretty high up there. A wood carving of blessings hangs in my living room to remind me of the privileged life I lead. But the word that I think best describes this entire situation: shock. No, I’m kidding. It’s faith.

When Megan – Obsessed, as you know her here – first told me about her baby project, I wasn’t at all surprised. In fact, I didn’t really think much of it. She’s always doing amazing things like this and she’s my only friend who has rampant baby fever like me. (Not that we were looking to have babies atthis moment, but we live for holding babies, and we like to talk of stealing other people’s babies (just temporarily). And we’re not afraid of babies. And, you know, we were never opposed to finding the right guy and just totally going along with his plan if he was ready for babies. That sort of thing. Baby fever = we know we want babies // everyone pretty much knows we want babies.) (I probably shouldn’t have said we have baby fever or tried to explain it.) Obviously I thought it was a wonderful thing to do, but it was not a shocking thing to do. Not for Megs. When she told me, my Mema was literally dying in hospice. Megan sent me a picture of the babes to cheer me up and explained that they were becoming a forever family. And it was just so appropriate. I suppose I get the baby gene from my Mema, who birthed twelve of them. Some might think that’s shocking. But it wasn’t. It was just Mema. And Megan adopting four orphans? That’s just Megan.

So I knew about it before the general public did. (Because duh, I’m like her soul mate.) And then this weird thing happened when people started finding out about it. Hey, that was back when it was just two orphans! Remember that? When Megan was only kinda sorta philanthropical? Ha. Anyways, people started asking me things like “what is this about Megan adopting orphans?” and “what is she thinking” and “did you tell her she is crazy?” and “I’m just not sure that she knows what she is getting into” and “how is she going to do it?”

And oooohhhh. Oh man. REALLY? My initial reaction to this was anger, because it felt judgmental. And I know that’s not what anyone meant (at least I hope it wasn’t), but it felt that way. It just seemed like everyone was sitting around being comfortable and then someone they know steps out of the comfort zone and they go “hold the phone! You don’t know what’s out there! You’re crazy!” Well…

DUH.

So the first few times it happened, I just said “I think it’s really brave.” and quickly changed the subject because I didn’t want to start a fight over something no one was trying to fight about except me, because I have this sort of passionate loyalty to people I love and their decisions. And it is really brave. But now, I’d like to answer these questions and attempt to explain what the heck her gung ho heart is doing.

“What is this about Megan adopting orphans?”
Yeah. She’s adopting orphans. Do you know Megan? Megan has always wanted to adopt. Hello. She wants a Brangelina family, and I’m super jealous, because I told an ex long ago that I wanted to be the Branglina of Music Row, and he laughed. And she beat me to it! Dammit!!!!!

“What is she thinking?”
Well, she’s not thinking, she’s acting. As I previously addressed, she’s been thinking about adoption since she could think, I think. She is beyond thinking. She is doing.

“Did you tell her she is crazy?”
Well, yeah, of course I did. But I told her that long before she adopted orphans. We bonded over the whole she’s-batshit-crazy-lifestyle personality disorder. It’s kind of our thing. She’s currently ahead of me on the scale though, and I suppose I’ll never top adopting four orphans unless I adopt five orphans. We’ll see I guess. But okay, if you can’t get beyond the crazy, here ya go:
Secular explanation from the great historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich: “Well behaved women seldom make history.”
Biblical explanation from Joshua 14:9: “The land on which your feet have walked will be your inheritance and that of your children forever, because you have followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly.”
Boom.

“I’m just not sure that she knows what she is getting into.”
No, she doesn’t. There’s no handbook. Or maybe someone out there is currently authoring How To Live Life After You Bring Home Your Four African Orphans: You’ll Never Make Any Mistakes With The Help Of This Guidebook. Which would be like totally serendipitous timing. But you know how most parents of newborns say “I knew how tired I would be. I knew exactly what this love would feel like.” ??? And you know how parents always know that they made the right decision, that they made the right plan, that they chose the right education for their children, that they provided the exactly appropriate emotional support. ??? No one ever second guesses their parenting skills, right? And everyone who gives birth knows exactly what they are getting into.
OH WAIT.
So yeah, this is the most inane response of all. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE GETTING INTO WHEN THEY HAVE CHILDREN. Otherwise, half the breeders might not even do it. Or they would, whatever. But either way, no one has any idea about the highs and the lows and the love and the discourse and the incredibly impossible unexpectedly rewarding hard work. It’s unlike anything you will ever experience. But hey, what do I know, I don’t have any. That’s all just hearsay from generations of the human race procreating. Which leads me to…

“How is she going to do it?”
I don’t know. She doesn’t know. And this is where that great word comes in: faith. How are you going to manage your future? Oh, I get it. You must know exactly what is going to happen with your life and the steps you are going to take to live it? Eeeehhh, wrong. When your feet hit the floor every morning, you are being faithful. Faithful that your legs are going to work to get you out of bed. And for the rest of your day, you are running on faith that your plans for whatever you are doing are going to be effective. And when they aren’t, you are having faith that you will somehow be equipped to navigate the unknown. Yes, she is making logical plans. Emotional plans, financial plans, baby daddy plans. But the big picture plan is just one word: faith. Faith that God’s plans are greater and far more logical than our own. Faith that people are prayingwith her and for her and Josh and the babies and the well-being of the whole situation. So whether it’s your situation or my situation or Megan & Josh’s situation or Melissa & Jeremy’s situation, we could all stand to do a little lessquestioning and a little more supporting and a lot more praying. Let’s all be faithful. Because you know who has been waiting for someone’s tiny mustard seed faith to grow into giant leaps and bounds of faith?

These four faithful hearts.

Call her crazy, but I like crazy. And I like babies. And I like passion. I love her heart and I love her faith.

You want more information? You want to give? You want an orphan? GO GO GO!!!!!
Megan & Josh’s story :: www.gunghoheart.com
Melissa & Jeremy’s story :: itjustsnowballed.blogspot.com
learn more :: www.therainingseason.org
give to The Raining Season HERE
sponsor a real live baby doll HERE

(thank you, meesa, for your very kind words.  i could never have said it better myself.)

mom

bowling event and fundraiser...

i'm straying from the true purpose of this blog (which, fyi, is to post letters to my children), but it's for a great cause!  if you want to learn more about the bowling event and how you can participate, click here:

Strikes to Save the Orphan - 2012

we are hoping to raise money to contribute to the care of over 100 more children that The Raining Season will be taking in at the new center.  that means TRS will be providing care for over 200 orphaned children, and you can help feed them, clothe them, and love them by forming a team or becoming a sponsor.

we are so thankful for your consideration!

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

dear munchkins,

your dad called you that today and i liked it.  my dad used to call us that, too!

we've been busy preparing our minds, hearts, and home for you guys.  we have no idea when we'll get to use all these new skills and knowledge, but hopefully some time the first half of next year!  we're nearing completion of our homestudy, so that's wonderful.  we've decided to stay in our current house and live on top of each other in the name of love and transitioning.  dad and i thought it might actually be a good thing to squeeze all six of us into our house so there's nowhere to escape!

speaking of houses, we understand you are at the new compound and in your new apartment units!  so exciting!  kadey, uncle andrew says you are doing so well.  he has so kindly been asking about you each week and inquiring about your health and behavior, and he has nothing but good things to say!  even mollynette says your hair is growing and you're being a kind girl.  makes me so proud!

we've also been busy organizing some events to raise money for The Covering.  we are so incredibly blessed to have friends and family who are dedicated to bringing awareness to kids in Sierra Leone and The Raining Season's work there.  in October we are having a songwriter event to benefit TRS, and in November we're having a bowling tournament!  it makes me so happy to think that you all may be here in time to participate next year!

i am just constantly overwhelmed with the amount of love and support we get from people when they find out about you guys.  it's a really odd feeling because dad and i know we had very little to do with this.  we feel we are simply God's hands and feet, and we are answering the call!  you and your friends have inspired a lot of people to contribute in so many ways - sponsorships, forever families, donations, fundraising, and so many others.

this whole journey just continues to prove to me that there is good and beauty in this world.  you four are a HUGE part of that beauty!  i love you.  i miss you.  we won't be able to Skype this week because we're going to go talk to a counselor about adoption.  we are doing everything we can to prepare for the easy and the hard when you guys get here.

love you like crazy and miss you bad.

mom

it's a brand new day (part two)...

Click here to see the start of our journey...

it's a brand new day...

dear kadey and boys,

i've been listening to a song over and over again lately.  the words say, "come rise up, come give love, what are you waiting for, it's a brand new day."  it's about dusting off the old and making it new.  seizing the day and forgetting the past.  give love today.  what are you waiting for?

i think the day i found out about you was my brand new day.  the old me is gone, and the new me sees this world with completely new eyes and feels things with a completely new heart.  i see things relative to you.  when something disappointing happens to me, i think about the disappointment you've dealt with.  when i'm envious of something someone else has, i think of the few things you have.  when i get angry at someone's actions, i think of the awful things that have been done to you.  when i don't like the meal i'm eating, i think of how many meals you've missed.  when i'm uncomfortable and tired, i think of the bed you sleep in now and the bed you didn't have for the first several years of your lives.  when i'm running for exercise and complaining about my hurting muscles, i think of how many times you had to run from danger to find safety...and how many times you might not have found that safety.

when i'm frustrated with my family, i think about how you lost your families - to death, to poverty, to hard life.

i am always reminded of all the life you've lived in such a short amount of time, and what a blessed life i've lived.  i can't wait for the day dad and i can make it up to you.  i can't wait for the day that you live in our house, you eat at our table, you sit in our laps and lay in our arms.  i can't wait for the day you feel our love for you and you know you are safe and cared for the rest of your lives.

today i miss you so much.  i know you are happy, healthy, safe, and loved by God and your caregivers, but i wish you were here so i could give you those things.

love,
mom

putting you to work...

kadey and boys,

just want you to know that dad is already making plans to put you to work when you get home.  some dads make their kids mow the lawn.  some dads make their kids bathe the dog, take the trash out, and make their beds.  i think dad (and mom) will still make you do all those things, but dad has additional plans.  he was made aware of your musical talents during our visit, and he is busy making plans.

sufian, you told us a long time ago that you loved to sing!  we got to hear you sing a lot during our visit, but i think this was my favorite performance...

in particular, he is very excited about your drumming skills, kadey.  he has shared with a lot of his musician friends just how talented you are with your hands and a drum, and so you can expect to be put to work in the studio when you get home!

foday, i think it's pretty clear you have an interest in guitar.

i have a feeling you're gonna take to music like a fish to water...

love, mom

home sweet home...

dear sweet, amazing children of mine,

today we got incredible news!  the raining season was able to raise all the money they need to move you and your friends into the brand new building that will be your new home.  some day soon i hope you have another new home (the more permanent kind) with us, but for now - this new place is almost more than we could hope for!

we got to visit the new building when we were there a few weeks ago.  it is gorgeous!  brand new, with a whole building dedicated to school.  the staff will have plenty of office space.  you all will live in family units with your caregivers which means more individual attention and love for all of you!  it also has a whole building that will be the guest house so when we come to see you we'll be so much closer and have even more time to spend with you (instead of climbing that giant hill!)

i'm just so excited you'll be in an even better place.  the more i tell people about our trip, the more i realize how incredibly blessed we are that our children are so loved, so happy, and so healthy!  and now with this new building 100 more kids will be loved just as much.

love you guys like crazy.  next week we have our first home visit so we can start to wrap up the homestudy.  hopefully dad will get to come see you again in a couple of months!  i get excited just typing about it!  you all are part of our lives every single day.  everyone asks about you.  so many people can't wait to meet you!  we are always thinking about you, loving you, and missing you.

tomorrow morning we'll skype, and for that i am so thankful!

love,
mom

the unknown...

to my sweet girl kadey,

that was quick!  we used to jokingly say that since we're going to have three boys, one day maybe God would bless us with a little girl with red hair.  i think he misunderstood because he sent us a little girl with NO hair!  (really, i think WE misunderstood.)

here are the things we don't yet know:  how to spell your first name (for sure), your last name, your exact age, where your parents are, if your parents are living, if you have biological siblings, what kind of ways you've suffered, and how you survived.

here are the things we do know:  you are LOVED by us, by your brothers, by the other kids at the center, and by the staff.  we know you are extremely smart, you're beautiful, you're funny, you have a gorgeous giggle, you're a talented drummer, you love to learn, you love to be hugged and kissed, and you are a survivor.

pastor daniel took us to see where you used to stay sometimes.  the building was very small with cement walls, no glass in the windows, no electricity, and no running water.  the roof was made of sheets of tin with rusted holes in them.  there was a woman on the front porch.  i'm not sure if this is the woman who sometimes let you in her door, but i met this woman the following sunday at church.  i was holding you and so she approached us and told me she was your auntie.  i recognized her as the lady from the porch.  she was not very kind, and she did not seem friendly.  you didn't really have a reaction to her, but you were also getting sick and had a fever.  i held you almost that entire morning during church because your head hurt.  every once in a while you'd look at the children from the community that had come to church that day and call them your sisters and brothers.  you still seemed unfazed by them.

kadey, you will be a challenge for me.  raising any child is a challenge, raising any adopted child is sometimes even more of a challenge, but raising kadey?  that feels like a whole different ballgame!  i don't know in what way you will be more difficult, but i do know that these difficulties will be the reason your story will be that much more incredible and miraculous.  sometimes my favorite quote to apply to so many different situations in life is, "it's the hard that makes it great."  rarely is something great or extraordinary if it comes easy, and these are the rules we Spillmans have chosen to live by.  it's not about easy or safe or normal.  it's about living life for God, stepping out of our comfort zone, having faith that we are doing what we are meant to do and will succeed at it, and wildly pursuing the unknown.  God promises that we will find him in the unknown.  how else are we to discover him if we pursue him in comfortable and safe ways?

you are the unknown, and i love you as that.  to me, that says your story is extraordinary and God-driven.

love,
mom

and p.s. - since we left last week, i've been told you don't fight anymore.  that makes me a proud momma!

another one...

dear boys,

this is going to be a long one.  our family had a very different day two and three in Sierra Leone.  it was by far the hardest time for me - harder than the hospital visit, harder than the community visit, and harder than bathing with rain water the last night we were there!

day two found dad in emotional confusion.  he had been jokingly telling us to "keep that little girl away from me.  she's breaking my heart."  that little girl was kadey, one of the newest kids to the center and arguably the worst case TRS has ever taken in.  she was found by a previous team while they were ministering in the community down the street.  she was dirty, hungry, sad, and sick.  she had a skin disorder - a fungus - all over her scalp and parts of her body that prevented hair from growing.  so all the children and even the adults in the community made fun of her.  they wanted nothing to do with kadey because of her skin issue.  many people believe that disorders are a curse from the devil, and so they treat these people as outcasts.  the team that found kadey heard people calling her "lucifer" and taunting her.

thankfully, that team - especially a woman named stephanie - felt compelled to do something for this little girl.  they were told she did not have parents and only sometimes had someone to care for her, provide her with food and a place to sleep.

eventually, kadey was able to come to the center and live there.  safe, three meals a day, a bed, medical care, and a community who loved her.  when kadey first came to the center she didn't really talk.  she ate with her hands, she slept on the floor, and she fought.  a lot!  by the time we met kadey, she had been in the care of TRS for almost a month, and boy had she come a long way already!  she was speaking all the time, understood english, and slept and ate like a champ.

kadey found dad the first day.  she wanted to be held constantly, and so dad and i took turns holding her and playing with you guys.

dad found kadey the second day.  i didn't know it, but he went searching for her.  asking people around the center where the little girl with no hair was, and he found her.

that night, right before dinner, dad told me he was wrecked.  wrecked for this little girl with such a hard past.  this little girl with eyes that were scary because they reflected so much life.  he was feeling like we were supposed to love this little girl and make her part of our forever family and maybe even adopt her.  imagine my surprise!  this was coming from a man who for a long time didn't know how we were going to handle three boys, but "at least they're boys, he said.  i'm terrified of little girls...i wouldn't know what to do with a daughter!"  suddenly, he's telling me God has given us a daughter.  so i said yes, though i didn't feel the gut pull toward kadey.  she spoke to his heart and my heart was busy speaking to yours.

day three was torture.  we brought all four of you to the guest house that afternoon, and tried explaining that kadey was going to be part of our forever family.  i think at first you thought we were abandoning you.  that we didn't want our three boys anymore, we wanted the new girl at the center.  foday, you were sobbing.  abdul, you became just as upset.  (suf, you were just glad to be at the guest house!)  Auntie Kayla was so helpful and took kadey away to play so we could talk to you guys.  it was so hard.  it broke my heart to see you so upset.  we asked Uncle Osseh to come over and tell you guys in Krio what it meant to add kadey to our family.  that it was just one more person to love!  that we didn't love you any less, that you weren't any less our sons.  we spent the majority of the day trying to comfort your hurt feelings, but it was tough.  you felt someone infringing on our family, and you were upset about it.  i understood, and i wondered if we'd made a mistake.

eventually things leveled out.  by day four, we'd all spoken with Uncle Daniel and Quami and i think you finally understood.  a family is a hard thing to share, especially when you haven't had one for three years.  especially when you have to share with someone you hardly know.  someone who's a little bit different, a little scary, a little scrappy, and just unfamiliar.  by the end of our trip everyone was okay.  we had the support of the staff, the other kids, forever families, and most importantly, our three sons.

you take such good care of each other and you watch out for one another.  we know one day you will include kadey as a sibling that you'll protect no matter what.  she needs that love and protection so bad. i'll be praying every day that you accept her as you do each other.

i love you.  and i miss you.

mom

where do i begin...

dear sweet, amazing, better-than-we-ever-dreamed-you-could-be boys,

we are finally home.  after 48 hours of travel, we have come home to the land of clean water, consistent electricity, and deodorant.  someday you'll understand the importance of those things.  for now, your ignorance is a good thing!

i want so bad to post all 875+ photos and 80+ videos of our first trip to see you, but all my cords and chargers are in our checked baggage currently being held hostage by United Airlines.  my first piece of motherly advice - never fly United.  they are AWFUL.  but that's another story...

i will forever remember that first moment that i saw you.  abdulrahman, i saw your giant smile first.  then megan was next to me and said, "there's sufian!"  suf, you were in front, so i grabbed you and hugged you.  then i said, "where's foday?" and Ab, you pointed right next to you.  foday, you were standing there quietly, just beaming at me.  dad grabbed sufian and i held your hands as we walked to the center.

i can't explain how it just felt normal and right.  i try to tell our friends and family that it's like falling in love.  it's just right.  you three were perfect and just as we thought you'd be.  foday, you were quiet and a little shy, but so incredibly smart and wearing a smile from ear to ear.  ab, you were a little more talkative and outgoing, and i remember you just kept looking at me...probably thinking the same thing i was, "is this really happening?  are you really here?"  sufian, you were a total joy and a total handful from the first moment.  fighting, hugging, singing, loving, dancing - you are all over the place!  the three of you are an incredible indication that The Raining Season has developed an amazing place for children without families who can care for them.  children who are so happy, so well-behaved, so smart, and so in love with their sponsors and forever families.  that first day was beautiful and surreal, but in a way it was completely normal and comfortable.  i think i hugged and kissed you about 3,000 times.  i know if you knew how to say it you would've sighed and said, "come ooooon, mom!  stop!"

Sufian, 4 yrs

Abdulrahman, 6 yrs

we played soccer, catch, colored, took pictures, listened to music, ate snacks, and talked.  from the very first moment we saw you, we were smitten.

and that was just day one...

love,

mom

chicago pizza...

dear sweet fellas,

We are here at the chicago airport enjoying our six hour layover, about to dive into some pizza! i hear we may have pizza in Freetown, so this is sort of a research project to see which one is better.

it seems pretty surreal that we're on our way. it's something we've been planning for so long and suddenly, it's here! i'm typically the anxious type, and i can say with total honesty that I'm not nervous to make this trip. my stomach may feel differently because it has been in turmoil the last couple of days, but things are starting to settle down. I think it was just trying to get some stuff out of the way!

so we'll be in SL in about 16 hours and we'll be smothering you in kisses in about 24 hours or so...

Love,
Mom

open heart surgery...

dear wonderful, amazing, wanted, loved boys -

we get to see you in three days.  i remember when it was six months!  and now here we are...  dad and i have talked to a lot of people that have traveled to Africa and seen some really tough stuff.  they almost  all have the same experience - you'll go, it'll be hard, you'll come back to America, and you'll try to get back to normal.  some people do and some people don't.  you go with your eyes and your heart open, a survivalist mentality, and lots of optimism.

everyone is wishing me luck.  everyone is asking me if i'm nervous.  and everyone is being very encouraging.  they're warning me of the long recovery period.  when we get back, i'm supposed to take it easy and give myself plenty of time to heal.  it sure doesn't sound like i'm taking a trip - it sounds like i'm going in for open heart surgery...


i know i am coming to see you with a very open heart.  a heart laid wide open.  a heart that wants to love you and wants you to love it back.  my heart is going to see the orphanage where you live, the extremely poor community where that orphanage is, and the very unfortunate children in that community that aren't lucky enough to be in the orphanage.  this heart will see the good and the bad.  the happy and the sad.  the charity and the injustice.  the living and the dying.  the love and the indifference.


it will see you for the first time ever and tell you hello and give you a welcoming hug.  it will see you for the last time for many months and tell you goodbye and give you a tearful hug.  i have done my best to  prepare my heart for this tough journey of adopting you, but i don't know if there's anything to prepare my heart for this first trip.  all i know is to soak up every second of love and worry about the hurt later.

it sounds silly but i believe god is performing this operation on my heart.  He is taking a vulnerable and weak heart and opening it to a lot of hurt.  for a while it will feel the opposite of good, but i know eventually the healed heart will be stronger than it ever was before He got a hold of it.

the ultimate thing i know is that with this open and hurting heart come three little boys who also have hurting hearts.  these little boys need love, love, and more love.  lucky for us all, dad and i have all that love and then some to heal your hearts, and i have a feeling our hearts, too, will be healed when we finally get you home.

love,
mom

even pete is smiling...

hi handsome fellas,

see how excited we are that you're our boys?!  even pete is smiling!

love,
mom

the oldest...

Originally posted March 7, 2012:

sweet, wonderful boy foday,

you are the oldest.  you seem wise beyond your years.  you are always first to answer our questions on skype.  the first to prod your brothers to answer.  the first to say hello, and the first to say ‘i love you.’

your sponsors tina and hanna tell me that you are so sweet and protective.  that you take care of abdul and sufian.  you are so well-behaved.  kind to others.  always trying to do the right thing.

how can i say just how proud of you i am?  you are just 7 years old, and yet you have experienced too much.  too much loss, too much sadness, too much hardship, and too much responsibility.  never time to be a kid.  never a chance to just have fun.

i wonder if you worry.  i wonder if you are scared.  i wonder if you are lonely.  i wonder if you remember your birth father and the loss of him.  i wonder if you remember the day your birth mom surrendered you to the center.

i hope you know we love you.  you are always on my mind.  always.  i think about how i will love you, kiss you, and show you how to have fun.  i imagine what dad will do with you - play, laugh, and love.

i pray that god will bring you to us one day, and that you will know how loved you are and how you can let go and be a kid.  we will take care of you.  and god will always take care of you.

i promise.  god promises.

love, mom

the impossible...

Originally posted March 9, 2012:

dad and i had a tough conversation a couple of nights ago.  we were worried about you guys.  we were worried that we wouldn’t be good enough.  that you wouldn’t be happy enough with us.  we thought, what if three handsome boys is too many?  what if we can’t financially provide?  what if we can’t emotionally provide?  is this what god wants?

and i cried.  and he worried.  and we prayed.  and i talked to auntie megan, and auntie mary susan, and auntie kelly.  and dad got an email that talked about judges 7:2-8.  that passage tells a story about god and gideon.  gideon had a big army.  god took away a lot of gideon’s soldiers before their battle so that their victory, in the end, would be the lord’s.  so the lord could say, “gideon, you have won your battle because of Me and not you.  My grace and love for My people have given you this blessing.”  in the end, god gave gideon an impossible task so that He could make it possible.  in doing so, gideon and his soldiers knew the only way they found success was through god’s glory alone.

god alone.

are you the impossible?  yes.  are you the impossible that god can make possible?  yes.

he has chosen us for you.  chosen.  that is a special word - a word with thought, intention and purpose.

i can’t wait to touch you, hug you, kiss you.

love, mom

for the refrigerator...

just a few days until...

Boys!  7 days until we get to see your happy, handsome faces in real life!


It’s been 5 weeks since you’ve had a good internet connection, so we haven’t Skyped in a long time.  We miss you guys.

Dad and I have been getting so much support for you three and The Covering.  The Raining Season is raising $35,000 so you and your friends can have a new place to stay next year.  We’ll get to see the new building while we’re there!  We are so thankful that we have so many friends and family who are willing to donate money so you guys can be taken care of and safe and happy.  Even your cousins Tate and Halle are helping.  They are having a big joint birthday party and asking everyone to bring donations instead of gifts for them.  Amazing!

We are bringing over a bunch of Christmas gifts for all the kids at the center, but we also get to bring you your birthday gifts!  Some very nice friends of ours bought you a real baseball glove, Foday.  They also bought a nice soccer ball for you, Abdul!  I can’t wait to play with you guys.  And hug you.  And love you.  And kiss your sweet faces.  And hold your hands.  And LOVE YOU.

See you soon…
Mom

handsome boys...

time to brag a little...

Abdul, Foday, and Sufian - June 17, 2012

Abdul - April 2012

Abdul - May 2012

Foday and Abdul - January 2012

Foday - May 2012

Foday - January 2012

Foday, Abdul, and Sufian in school uniforms - 2012

Sufian - April 2012

Sufian - June 2012

a hundred documents...

Dear boys,

People always talk about how much work a homestudy is.  I sort of enjoy gathering all these documents that “prove” we’ll be good parents (criminal reports, financial statements, mental health evaluations..well, we won’t talk about that one…), but it is pretty tedious.  Turns out most government doesn’t function online.  You have to call, fax, or go in person to request official documents.  They still require personal interaction?!  Guess so.

So, yes, we’ve started our homestudy!  No idea when we can bring you guys home, though.  That’s the number one most asked question in our lives - when do we get to bring you back?  For starters, you sweet boys don’t even know we want to adopt you.  We’re supposed to wait to talk to you about it until there’s more official movement with Social Welfare and the court system.  TRS is also waiting to get an official approval from the leader of your old home, Shenge village.  They say all the birth families of Shenge have jointly decided adoption is in the best interest of their children, but cultural traditions say the village leader has to give the final say.  Erica and Tina are both there now, so I hope they have some info for us when we arrive next week.

Erica told me when she was there in April your aunt came to see you and talk to the staff at the center.  She confirmed some of your history and talked with the staff about adoption and what that means.  Erica said she was very sweet and seemed really positive about everything.  Ab and Fo, you guys said hello and ran off to play with your friends.  Suf, she managed to convince you to sit in her lap for a little while and hug on you.  You liked her!  I don’t know if you guys remember her.  Suf, you were only about 18 months old when you arrived at the center, so I don’t think you would.  Ab and Fo, you may remember her…but you were also very young.  Your aunt said your birth mom was unable to make it that day.  We think maybe she had farming work to do and could not afford to leave.  You were polite boys to her.  Thank you for being kind boys.
Some day I hope we can go to Shenge and see your birth mom.  I hope you can hug her and talk with her about your childhoods and your birth father.  Maybe she can tell you some things about your birth family.  Maybe she can see that the extremely difficult decision of giving you up and surrendering her parental rights had a happy and positive result on you.  But I know it will also present challenges for you.  You will always wonder why, and how, and it will always be a part of your life.  I hope you know she did it because she loves you.  Because she wanted you to live, have a chance, and be part of something better.
Someday I hope we meet because I’d like to hug her and tell her I’m sorry she couldn’t care for you.  That she is a woman I admire.  That she is loved by her birth sons, their mom and dad, and by God.

Love,
Mom

god loves a good snowball...

i'm a really normal person.  i don't really think there's anything necessarily extraordinary about me.  i had a great childhood, great parents, great sisters, great college life.  i have a really great husband, great dogs, a great job, great friends, great vacations.  just in general i have a great life.

that said, i don't think i've ever gone above and beyond with what God's given me.  cut to september 2011, and i started to wonder what god had in store for the rest of my life.  i am somewhat envious of my husband's relationship with god and the strength of his faith.  i think it's pretty common that someone who's survived some hard knocks in life would have a stronger relationship with God than someone who's coasted gloriously down the river of life.  jeremy's faith floors me, and rescues me and my own doubt, and that's a big reason why i love him with all my being.  so back in 2011 i said a little teeny tiny prayer to God - i asked him if he would wreck my heart and show me my purpose beyond music and living a good life.

he brought back into my life two women who will forever change it.  erica and kelly introduced me to The Raining Season, an organization that runs and funds an orphanage in Sierra Leone, West Africa.  this orphanage houses 96 kids who now have a chance at life.  food, education, healthcare, clothing, shelter, and love.  love from their caregivers, from their American sponsors, and from Jesus.  the short story is i was touched by the intimacy of this organization, and jeremy and i decided to sponsor a couple of kids - a sister and brother.  then in November, in one of the most ironic events of my life, i was sitting in a casino in Las Vegas and got a call from kelly.  struggling to hear her over the ringing of slot machines and shouting of the tv's, i heard her ask if jeremy and i would be the forever family to three little boys at the orphanage.  brothers, 7, 6, and 4.  uhhhh...what's a forever family?  "a program we introduced for the kids without families who want to adopt them.  there's an adoption ban in Sierra Leone, so none of these kids can be adopted internationally.  so we want to match them with an american family who will support them as long as they need it - visit once a year, skype every week, email, and send school supplies/clothes/etc."  forever family?  as in forever forever?  "well, as long as they want you in their lives."  huh.  so a couple of weeks later i had scared myself into saying no.  jeremy was kind of leaving it to me and my heart and had made it clear he'd support my decision.  pastor pete at crosspoint church was doing a whole series of sermons on fear.  and getting out of your comfort zone.  stepping out of the white picket fence that surrounds your comfortable little life.  the random daily devotionals that land in my gmail every morning seemed to have a freakishly similar message - take a risk in the name of God.  but my job was a little uncertain!  we had just started a business!  how can we afford a yearly trip to africa?  how can my gentle heart handle the poverty and sadness of a third world country?

i texted kelly to see if we could go get coffee that afternoon.  i was going to tell her we couldn't be a forever family right now.  she never texted me back...not for a few days at least...which was very unlike her!  by the time we did talk, my heart was saying yes to being a forever family at jeremy's prodding.  we decided - we are a family that takes risks.  we don't want the easy life for us.  we don't want the safe, predictable life for us.  we want something extraordinary, Godly, hard, beautiful!  and it seemed this provided that opportunity.

we said yes.  i asked jeremy if he'd ever thought about adopting these boys if it was a possibility...but it wasn't.  then on february 10, 2012 we found out the ban was lifted.  suddenly, it's a possibility.  after a lot of conversations, prayer, more prayer, and a few more conversations, we decided the dude with bright red hair and the girl with the easy life were going to be the parents of three brand new African boys!

so...this is our journey.  how it started with this little tiny prayer, a little post on facebook asking for sponsors, a couple of black bean salads at calypso cafe, a phone call in a casino, infinite dinners at Chuy's, and three beautiful, handsome, precious, incredible, smart, talented brothers in Freetown, Sierra Leone.