dad keeps reminding me to focus on the positive and not the sad, but it's so hard to see your sad face on Skype and know what my leaving you behind is going to do to your little heart. so beautiful and so sad. it absolutely kills me.
we decided to split up you and your brothers for Skype every week from now on. i think it's only fair to give you your own time with us and give your brothers their own time with us. every time we Skype, inevitably adoption and America enter the conversation. the look on your face crushes me. you sit back in your chair and you look down and cross your arms...and it absolutely kills me.
dear Lord, please, please, please keep watch over Kaday. please help her not to be sad. please help us to have the faith that you've got this under control. i pray that we get a meeting with Kaday's birth family. i pray that we can communicate to them that they are doing the right thing by relinquishing guardianship. please help me not to harbor anger toward her birth family. please help me understand that they come from a hard past, hard lives, and their treatment of their birth daughter is a direct result of the hardships they've encountered. God, i just want to love this little girl who has never known love in her whole entire life. she's known sadness, illness, abuse and abandonment. please, please Lord, help us to find a way to bring her home to our family where she will know love and safety for the rest of her life.
suddenly, i find myself running around and preparing to bring you home. i might actually be going to get you in November! you might actually be sleeping in our home in six weeks. SIX WEEKS. that's really, really soon!
i finished painting your room yesterday, foday. it was brown with a random green wall that i thought would be fun at the time, but brown and green do NOT go with your gray and navy with orange accents motif. so of course i had to paint your room gray!
ab and suf, your bunk beds finally arrived! they are amazing. i climbed on top and the thing didn't even move. i feel quite confident you can jump and slam into it and the bed will survive. (hopefully, you will, too.)
we had a little shower that some friends threw for us. incredibly kind, thoughtful, excited, and loving people blessed us with clothes, bedding, toys, bikes, and other essentials for you guys. we sat at a long, beautiful table under cafe lights and a giant tree and celebrated the three handsome boys that will soon be a daily part of our lives. dad and i are constantly floored by the support of those around us. little notes here and there congratulating us, gifts for you boys, help getting the house ready, and people simply loving us.
Uncle Osseh's wife Mabel is visiting for a while. she came over with Sarah for her medical procedures. Mabel is a great woman, and she's enjoying seeing all Nashville has to offer (including Chick-Fil-A!) Lois loves her!
Auntie Taylor has been at the center for a few months. she says you always talk about America, Foday. i wish we could talk about it on Skype more, but it's hard to talk much about adoption because Kaday is there. i feel so sad for her when we talk about all the amazing things and experiences that will soon be your lives and she will not yet get to be a part of it. she may never get to be a part of it. i am so excited to come get you boys and bring you home, but i am so sad that i will have to leave you, Kaday.
the center always has a goodbye ceremony for the children that are adopted and are leaving. everyone joins together and sings. the staff gives their advice and says their goodbyes. your friends will hug you goodbye, you may cry, they may cry, and i know i will definitely cry. i think i would be so sad anyway, but leaving you, Kaday, is going to devastate me, i think. i am praying that God will help both of our hearts during that transition. i want to be happy and joyful that we are getting our three sons home!!! and i am praying that i can be happy and joyful one day that our daughter is home, too.
that's the latest from the Spillman house. we love you guys. love you so, so, so much. i have to be honest - it is absolutely surreal that you will be home within two months. we are going from childless to three in a matter of seconds! 0 to 300 mph in my head!
(wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot to post...)
they're a blessing and a curse. i dreamed last night that dad and i came to visit you guys! you were at the beach, and we surprised you by showing up for a visit! sufian, you saw us first and you jumped into dad's arms. i was sort of standing back watching everything, and kaday you smiled but said, "where's mom?" with sadness in your voice. so i walked toward you and smiled, and said, "kaday!" you just beamed and ran to me and i picked you up and hugged you and held you for a long, long time.
we all decided to go find abdul and foday. we walked down the beach with dad holding sufian and me holding kaday. we saw foday and abdul racing some other boys near the water, so we yelled and they came running over to us and we hugged and laughed and hugged! we were all so happy.
i woke up and i was in a happy mood because it was like i'd gotten to see you all! and then that sort of faded, and i started to get sad because it was like i'd gotten to see you but really i hadn't. i started to think that i can't wait to get you boys home...maybe in January? but then that made me think that i'll have to do the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, and that is leave you behind, kaday, while we try to find a way to adopt you.
i got this picture of you today from Auntie Megan:
kaday, you look very happy and healthy, and it looks like maybe the medication i sent you for your fungal virus is helping! when i asked you about it, you said, "mom, it is bitter! it is sweet!" haha. you don't really know if you like it or not.
my heart is a little bit happy and a little bit crushed today, and that's pretty much been the general emotion the whole way through this adoption thing. but we have good news! we got our letters of provisional approval this past week for the boys, so we are one step closer.
i love you all. i miss you all. i can't wait to see you again.
UPDATE: approximately 45 minutes after I published this blog, i got a phone call from USCIS with really great news. thank you, Jesus. massive, huge, gigantic thank you, Jesus.
if you know me, you know i have very vivid dreams almost nightly. for the most part they're happy dreams. i dream several times a week about you kids. that you're here in america to visit (i haven't dreamed you're here to stay just yet...) and that we get to spend a lot of time together. i dream that i'm in africa visiting you. usually my visit is a surprise, and your reactions are priceless!
my brain was in worry mode last night up until bedtime. just worried about timing, about our I-600 approval that we're waiting for, about your hearts and heads and bodies on the other side of the ocean. worried that the people building your new bunk bed did not find the right color of navy blue paint to compliment the jacobean stain of the two-tone color i want and why haven't i heard from them in a while and did they take our money and run? worried because our USCIS officer has not called me back since she told me she'd review our case that same day and call me the next day. worried that she sounded a bit uninformed regarding our case and is that normal? a bad sign? a good sign? why won't she call me back?!
i even got smoked in one of my fantasy football leagues this weekend...and it didn't really bother me. hmmm...
the sad thing is i've been smacked upside the head with so many blessings lately. i guess last night i just selfishly decided to dwell on the few things that aren't going perfectly the way i planned and forget to give thanks for the many, many things that out of the blue ARE going so well.
for example, me and dad have been having an ongoing disagreement about something really, really seriously, life-impactingly important. minivan vs. suburban. he thinks if we get a family vehicle it should be a minivan. (i bet he wouldn't feel that way if HE had to drive it.) i adamantly refuse. see, when i was about 14 years old, i got together with your Aunties Val and Al and our cousins Leigh Anne and Brenn, and we all agreed to a list of about 10 rules. i don't remember the other 9, but the one i do remember was NO MINIVANS. we grew up with Suburbans. always. i'm a Texas girl, and i don't do minivans. i do Tahoes and SUV's and Suburbans, but i do not do minivans.
so our dear Uncle Rick was in town this past weekend, and he so graciously offered us a FREE hand-me-down family vehicle for when you kids get home. what vehicle, you might ask? check out this monster on wheels:
she's a 2005, 4x4, Diesel powered Ford Excursion. i feel like i could take on the Afghanistan desert in this thing, and i absolutely love it. i cannot wait to cruise around town with my gorgeous black children in tow.
so, needless to say i win because FREE always wins. so, thank you Uncle Rick for our future new family wheels. i look forward to the day where we can park our diesel truck next to our Nissan Leaf in the driveway. a true American family!
all that to say, we have had the pants blessed off of us. some nights i succumb to worry and negativity, and my dreams are very good at reflecting that. but today is a shiny new day with a new mindset and new things. maybe we'll get a call this week telling us our case is officially going to the embassy. you never know!
dad is, too. we got a call wednesday morning letting us know that our case would be discussed with the judge on July 4th. we had a big decision to make. we decided dad would travel to be there in the event we weren't given a court date, and if we were, he would be there to go to court with you boys. we also knew this would give dad a chance to meet your birth family and to meet the judge who would grant us guardianship of you!
so dad got on a plane 48 hours later. we packed up candy, basketballs, clothes, school supplies, and other useful things. we found out shortly before he got on the plane that we had been give a court date of July 10. in what was (i'm sure) not a coincidence, July 10 was also Kaday's 7th birthday. big day. we've known all along that it will be hard for you, Kaday, to understand why you won't be going to court with your brothers. that it will be hard for us to walk away and leave the center with our boys to bring them home to America and have to leave you there, if only temporarily, while we fight to make you our daughter, too.
here's the thing. international adoption is so unknown, never guaranteed, and things can change in an instant. we had to decide - do we go ahead and move forward with the adoption of our sons or do we wait indefinitely to try to bring you all home at once? Kaday, your family is resistant to adoption, but i don't understand their reasons. i don't support their actions, and i don't understand why they are resistant to allowing others to give you a hopeful future when they don't seem interested in giving you one themselves. so we asked God, and we decided we would continue to move forward in bringing the boys home and continue to fight to bring your family around to the idea of adoption.
Kaday, i think you understand what that means. the thought of you feeling abandoned AGAIN, feeling left behind AGAIN, feeling tossed away AGAIN breaks my heart. but i know you are in a wonderful place, and your caregivers will help you know that you are loved by Jesus, me, and dad. that we WILL be back for you. that we will NOT stop fighting for you or give up on you. NEVER. someday, we WILL bring you home.
so dad is stressed. he's pretty overwhelmed with suddenly being a single dad to four very excited, chatty, spirited, and smart (sometimes too smart!) kids. that's hard in the best of circumstances, and it's about 100 times harder when you're tired from travel, worried about legal matters, emotional about what's next, and hot and sweaty. Sufian and Kaday, i think you two are going to turn him gray! the only good thing about how much you two fight is that you fight as much as a lot of brothers and sisters do, so we tell ourselves this is a good thing in some ways!
we have talked every day, and he's shared some experiences with me. i want to remember these things, so here are a few of them:
about 10 minutes after you first saw him, Kaday, you said, "dad, will you be back in September?" he laughed and said, "but i'm here now!" and you insisted that he must return in September because we had suggested one time on Skype that might be when he visits.
the first day he was there after church, you all were spending time with him in the guest quarters. Abdulrahman, you were playing on the iPad. Kaday and Sufian, you were eating sweets and singing. Foday, you were at Bible study. that snapshot in time pretty much says it all right there.
dad began talking to you about court. Foday, you were so proud to tell dad that you had saved your court clothes and had not worn them. you raced to show dad that you had hidden your and your brothers' court clothes in the ceiling in your bedroom. even your caregiver had no idea they were up there! i gave you those clothes in February when i was visiting, and you took it very seriously when i said to save those nice clothes to wear to court.
Foday and Abdul, you have a million questions about America! "can i play basketball? can i play soccer? is america as big as sierra leone? how do we get there? how long does it take? can i have a motorcycle in america? (NO!)" and on and on and on...
a team of teachers visiting from Nashville did reading assessments on the children at the center. we were informed that Foday, you are reading at just before a 2nd grade level. Abdul, you are reading at a 1st grade level. That means you are almost on target for your age group! THAT MAKES US SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Kaday and Sufian were not assessed, but we're sure you guys are brilliant, too.
on the third day, dad went to meet the Shenge family. he and Mohamed picked them up at a ferry port and brought them back to the center. there they met to discuss court proceedings. your two uncles and your birth mother had made the long journey to be present for the big day. we heard they had family in Freetown that they would be staying with, but we didn't know who.
at the center, you three boys were able to spend time with your birth family. dad went up to the guest quarters to give you time to yourselves. soon, everyone had come up to the guest quarters. he said that Abdul, you were showing your birth mother Konima the iPad. she thought the talking apps were so funny! it made me happy to know you were spending time with your Shenge family. they are near and dear to my heart, and i plan on never letting you forget where you came from.
and guess what? we found out you have a sister. she is going to college in Freetown and she speaks excellent English. i'm hoping dad will spend some time with her and get to know her story and, hopefully, more of yours. it's confusing sometimes that we find these things out almost by accident, but i understand the culture is different there. what is important to us may mean something very different in Sierra Leone.
Uncle Quami spoke to you, Kaday, with dad. he tried to explain why you would not be going to court with your brothers and why you would not be coming to America at the same time. dad said he did a wonderful job explaining and trying to make you feel confident of our love and plans for you.
court. yes, dad and you boys went to court yesterday! finally, after almost 6 months of waiting for the day that was supposed to come in February, the judge finally heard our case. she called dad into her chambers first. he said she was incredibly kind and intelligent. she attended university in Ireland! dad told her someday he would love to visit Ireland. she expressed how grateful she was for his respect of their culture. she seemed impressed that dad was so quiet and respectful of her position. i'm grateful for how well your dad handled that situation. he knew that she desired respect like any other human being, and that our sometimes brazen and over-assertive American ways are not appreciated in other cultures.
then she called each of you boys into her chambers one by one. dad said she didn't ask you any questions, but she gave you a single instruction. she said that you must be good boys when you get to America. that you must behave well and that you will have to be better than any American kids. i appreciated her saying that to you. i think you all respect your Sierra Leonean elders, and you took her words seriously. that said, i believe that you deserve a childhood of opportunity like any American child, and i know you will work hard to be the best you can be at whatever it is you strive to achieve.
next she called your uncles and birth mother into her chambers. i don't know specifics, but i know she made sure your Shenge family knew what adoption meant and what the laws are surrounding adoption. dad said later your Shenge mother expressed her worry to Mohamed that you boys would forget her. i wish i'd been there to hug her, hold her hand and tell her how much we now love HER as an extension of our love for you. i wanted her to know that we have her picture on our wall. that we talk about her and Shenge almost every time we Skype. that someday we will visit again. that someday we will all go back and spend time with them, love them, and Lord willing help their village become prosperous. i am in awe of Shenge, and one day i know it will be very instrumental in my life. that place and those people already have been because they gave us you.
today dad and Abdulrahman are on their way to Shenge. they are traveling with your birth family and your sister. your grandfather asked to see Abdulrahman one last time before he comes to America, so that is the reason Abdul traveled, too. this is when i hope dad will be able to speak with your sister. i just can't express how much i love your birth family and your birth village, Shenge. i don't know what God has planned for us concerning Shenge, but dad and i are already praying about it. that is a blessed place.
today the judge is supposed to sign the court order for our adoption. that document and several others will come back with dad and we will submit them to the US government and the Embassy in Sierra Leone. it could be another 6 months of waiting. i am praying with all my might that you will be home by Christmas. your Mimi (dad's mom) called me last night to say she had bought your first Christmas gifts. she was so excited. everyone is so excited you're coming home. people ask about you every day, and the best i can tell them is that we remain faithful that you'll be home when you're supposed to be home. a friend sent me this Bible verse yesterday when i was in the impossible emotional storm of waiting to hear about court: Eph 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory..." God is in control, not me. God will watch over you, Kaday, while we fight to bring you home. God will bring you home, boys, when it is time.
i love you. i miss you. i am so grateful and thankful that we have been blessed with you as our children. WE are the lucky ones.
love, mom
PS - skype this week... i think dad visiting is good for your souls!
today i'm thinking a lot about this whole waiting thing. there are tangible and legitimate reasons why it's okay that you're not home yet. dad and i have much work to do before we welcome you home. things for work, things in our house, things in life. but sometimes, like right now, my head can tell my heart that until it falls off, but it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
about seven weeks ago we sat in our adoption attorney's office in Sierra Leone. he promised us we'd be in court in front of a judge that week. two weeks later i left, and we still hadn't been to court. another month has gone by and we're still waiting. it's okay. this is what we signed up for. it helps a little to know going into this that things will never operate on a timeline, even if someone tries to give you one. the blessing is that you have this much more time to spend with your friends, your caregivers, and be in your birth country. the curse is that i miss you. a lot. like crazy.
once we go to court, we will have another 4-6 months before dad can go get you. every time we skype you ask dad when he's coming to see you. then you giggle and smile those huge, gorgeous smiles!
this week ELEVEN of your friends came home to their American families.
The Jones' welcome home their eight children!
The Pyles with Betty, Fallah, and Sam
sam, the oldest at the center, the boy who started it all, came home to Kentucky. i was there as he set foot on american soil, stood in his very own bedroom for the first time, and ate pizza and cake with his five brothers and sisters.
sam is a celebrity in my opinion. he and his brother and sister deserve an easy road for the rest of their lives. they lived in the bad orphanage for a while until one day the Americans with The Raining Season came to visit the orphanage. sam saw an opportunity for rescue. he escaped from the orphanage and ran to the hotel where he knew the Americans were staying. he told them how they were abused, starved, and mistreated at the orphanage. he told them about all the kids that needed help so badly. he fought for himself, his brother and sister, his friends, and so many other kids. because of sam, TRS has rescued and empowered over 120 kids. he started it. he was the beginning.
i love sam because he's always been a role model, a big brother, and sometimes a father figure to you boys and so many other boys at the center. sufian, when you were misbehaving on my last trip you had a hard time listening to mom telling you how to behave! when sam showed up, you pulled it together immediately and obeyed every word. he earned your love and respect, and he earned mine.
betty is sam's little sister. the very first thing betty said to me was, "sufian, abdulrahman, and foday they say to tell you hello if i see you in America." i almost melted on the spot. a personal message from my boys! sufian, you and betty are especially close. i can't wait for the day when you can hug her again. she is a beautiful girl, and i am so honored i was there to welcome her home.
and sweet fallah. he is the youngest sibling, but just as respected as his older brother and sister. when i found out betty was in your apartment, kaday, and sam and fallah were in your room, boys, i felt like i'd won the lottery! they are superstar kids, superstar students, and incredible spiritual leaders.
Sam, Betty, and Fallah
welcoming these kids home make the waiting a little easier. even if our case isn't moving, at least others are. that makes my heart really happy!
so i will wait more. and i will miss you more and more. and i will love you more and more and more! but i am so blessed to be missing you, because that means i was given the opportunity to love you and know you.
**to order a coloring book, please look to the left of this blog post and click "Buy Now" to go to PayPal and purchase!**
dearest kiddos,
i am pretty excited about my latest endeavor. it's finally done!
a while ago I started trying to think of unique ways to raise money that will go towards the expenses of getting you guys here. somewhere in there, i tried to find some sort of children's book that we could give you guys to help you understand a little bit more what to expect when you come to America. one of my favorite moments of our trip to Sierra Leone was when dad took you guys to the bathroom and you encountered the electric hand dryer. it was really loud, and so you were scared at first because you didn't know what it was. you quickly learned it wouldn't hurt you and you started having a BLAST holding your hands and faces under it to feel the warm air. i never could find a book about those things...
so that got me thinking...what if i wrote my own book that helped you learn about some things to expect when you get home? because i couldn't find what i wanted, i decided i would write and draw a coloring book just for you! that way you all could do one of your favorite activities (coloring) and get familiar with a few sometimes scary and unknown things you will come across when you get to America. it took me a while, but i finally finished it. then i thought, well there are a lot of families that would maybe find this coloring book beneficial! families who are in the process of adopting kids, families who have adopted kids, kids who have friends who are adopted, or kids who have siblings who are adopted! to me, it was perfect - a way to help adopted kids AND a way to raise money to help get our children home!
here are some of my favorite letters:
(Dad must be scared of the vacuum. He never goes near that thing!)
i will bring four books with me next time we come see you. i don't know when that will be, but i know when we're there we can go through these books together and talk about the things in them. what is scary, what is exciting, and some other things you might be able to expect! i do hope this coloring book will help us talk about our new family and our new life together. i also hope it can help other families talk about things, too. at the very least, it will help kids learn the alphabet! kinda like you guys:
these last few weeks have been tough. dad and i think about you so much, and we miss you so badly. we wish you were here for so many things! we've had a lot of changes lately, and these changes are really forcing us to trust in God, trust in His greater plan, and have faith that He will take care of us. i am learning that a lot of things about my life a few months ago (a few weeks ago even) must not fit into this plan, because i am faced with a new direction. i do feel certain, though, that these changes are for the best, and i believe they are preparing us to be the parents that you need us to be.
i love you all. i can't wait to see you...maybe in the next few months?
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