Thursday, May 28, 2015

i wish i'd never met you...

dear kaday,

the other day I woke up from a dream that you had called me from the center on your birthday.  we discussed that you turned 9, and then you said, "mom, sometimes I wish i'd never met you.  this reattachment is hard.  it hurts my feelings that i'm not there with my brothers."

in the dream i was blown away by your maturity and ability to communicate your feelings.  we don't communicate anything but love on Skype lately.  i don't know if that's good or bad, but it's certainly easier on my heart.  i'm sure that's selfish of me.

i woke up sad.  obviously.  you turn 9 in 6 weeks, and even sooner you will have your three year anniversary of being in the orphanage.  let's be clear - The Covering is leaps and bounds better than the situation you came from.  you now have loads of people who genuinely love you and care for you.  you have food, clothing, medical care, school and church.  you have friends who look out for you.  you have aunties who take care of you when you're sick.

it's just not the same as a family.

auntie katie called me this morning so I could FaceTime with you while you were looking at your pictures.  you said all the right things, thank you, etc., but you looked heartbroken.  katie said at first you were happy, but then you got sad looking at the photos of your family without you.  you left the apartment, and she thought you'd gone downstairs, but she saw that you went out on the porch by yourself to spend some time with the pictures.  she said she thought it was good for you to work through some emotions without other kids around.  i guess you probably can't get very sad or cry when everyone is around.

we're moving into a new house next week.  it has enough bedrooms for you to have your own someday.  honestly, i thought you'd be in the process of coming home by the time we bought a bigger house to fit all the kids and dogs that make up our crazy family!  but you're still there, and we're here.  and i have no idea what happens next.  i have no idea what i can do to get you home, so i'm leaving it up to God to move that mountain.

we love you, we miss you, and we pray for you every day.  i hope you really know that and believe it deep down.


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