putting you to work...

kadey and boys,

just want you to know that dad is already making plans to put you to work when you get home.  some dads make their kids mow the lawn.  some dads make their kids bathe the dog, take the trash out, and make their beds.  i think dad (and mom) will still make you do all those things, but dad has additional plans.  he was made aware of your musical talents during our visit, and he is busy making plans.

sufian, you told us a long time ago that you loved to sing!  we got to hear you sing a lot during our visit, but i think this was my favorite performance...

in particular, he is very excited about your drumming skills, kadey.  he has shared with a lot of his musician friends just how talented you are with your hands and a drum, and so you can expect to be put to work in the studio when you get home!

foday, i think it's pretty clear you have an interest in guitar.

i have a feeling you're gonna take to music like a fish to water...

love, mom

home sweet home...

dear sweet, amazing children of mine,

today we got incredible news!  the raining season was able to raise all the money they need to move you and your friends into the brand new building that will be your new home.  some day soon i hope you have another new home (the more permanent kind) with us, but for now - this new place is almost more than we could hope for!

we got to visit the new building when we were there a few weeks ago.  it is gorgeous!  brand new, with a whole building dedicated to school.  the staff will have plenty of office space.  you all will live in family units with your caregivers which means more individual attention and love for all of you!  it also has a whole building that will be the guest house so when we come to see you we'll be so much closer and have even more time to spend with you (instead of climbing that giant hill!)

i'm just so excited you'll be in an even better place.  the more i tell people about our trip, the more i realize how incredibly blessed we are that our children are so loved, so happy, and so healthy!  and now with this new building 100 more kids will be loved just as much.

love you guys like crazy.  next week we have our first home visit so we can start to wrap up the homestudy.  hopefully dad will get to come see you again in a couple of months!  i get excited just typing about it!  you all are part of our lives every single day.  everyone asks about you.  so many people can't wait to meet you!  we are always thinking about you, loving you, and missing you.

tomorrow morning we'll skype, and for that i am so thankful!

love,
mom

the unknown...

to my sweet girl kadey,

that was quick!  we used to jokingly say that since we're going to have three boys, one day maybe God would bless us with a little girl with red hair.  i think he misunderstood because he sent us a little girl with NO hair!  (really, i think WE misunderstood.)

here are the things we don't yet know:  how to spell your first name (for sure), your last name, your exact age, where your parents are, if your parents are living, if you have biological siblings, what kind of ways you've suffered, and how you survived.

here are the things we do know:  you are LOVED by us, by your brothers, by the other kids at the center, and by the staff.  we know you are extremely smart, you're beautiful, you're funny, you have a gorgeous giggle, you're a talented drummer, you love to learn, you love to be hugged and kissed, and you are a survivor.

pastor daniel took us to see where you used to stay sometimes.  the building was very small with cement walls, no glass in the windows, no electricity, and no running water.  the roof was made of sheets of tin with rusted holes in them.  there was a woman on the front porch.  i'm not sure if this is the woman who sometimes let you in her door, but i met this woman the following sunday at church.  i was holding you and so she approached us and told me she was your auntie.  i recognized her as the lady from the porch.  she was not very kind, and she did not seem friendly.  you didn't really have a reaction to her, but you were also getting sick and had a fever.  i held you almost that entire morning during church because your head hurt.  every once in a while you'd look at the children from the community that had come to church that day and call them your sisters and brothers.  you still seemed unfazed by them.

kadey, you will be a challenge for me.  raising any child is a challenge, raising any adopted child is sometimes even more of a challenge, but raising kadey?  that feels like a whole different ballgame!  i don't know in what way you will be more difficult, but i do know that these difficulties will be the reason your story will be that much more incredible and miraculous.  sometimes my favorite quote to apply to so many different situations in life is, "it's the hard that makes it great."  rarely is something great or extraordinary if it comes easy, and these are the rules we Spillmans have chosen to live by.  it's not about easy or safe or normal.  it's about living life for God, stepping out of our comfort zone, having faith that we are doing what we are meant to do and will succeed at it, and wildly pursuing the unknown.  God promises that we will find him in the unknown.  how else are we to discover him if we pursue him in comfortable and safe ways?

you are the unknown, and i love you as that.  to me, that says your story is extraordinary and God-driven.

love,
mom

and p.s. - since we left last week, i've been told you don't fight anymore.  that makes me a proud momma!

another one...

dear boys,

this is going to be a long one.  our family had a very different day two and three in Sierra Leone.  it was by far the hardest time for me - harder than the hospital visit, harder than the community visit, and harder than bathing with rain water the last night we were there!

day two found dad in emotional confusion.  he had been jokingly telling us to "keep that little girl away from me.  she's breaking my heart."  that little girl was kadey, one of the newest kids to the center and arguably the worst case TRS has ever taken in.  she was found by a previous team while they were ministering in the community down the street.  she was dirty, hungry, sad, and sick.  she had a skin disorder - a fungus - all over her scalp and parts of her body that prevented hair from growing.  so all the children and even the adults in the community made fun of her.  they wanted nothing to do with kadey because of her skin issue.  many people believe that disorders are a curse from the devil, and so they treat these people as outcasts.  the team that found kadey heard people calling her "lucifer" and taunting her.

thankfully, that team - especially a woman named stephanie - felt compelled to do something for this little girl.  they were told she did not have parents and only sometimes had someone to care for her, provide her with food and a place to sleep.

eventually, kadey was able to come to the center and live there.  safe, three meals a day, a bed, medical care, and a community who loved her.  when kadey first came to the center she didn't really talk.  she ate with her hands, she slept on the floor, and she fought.  a lot!  by the time we met kadey, she had been in the care of TRS for almost a month, and boy had she come a long way already!  she was speaking all the time, understood english, and slept and ate like a champ.

kadey found dad the first day.  she wanted to be held constantly, and so dad and i took turns holding her and playing with you guys.

dad found kadey the second day.  i didn't know it, but he went searching for her.  asking people around the center where the little girl with no hair was, and he found her.

that night, right before dinner, dad told me he was wrecked.  wrecked for this little girl with such a hard past.  this little girl with eyes that were scary because they reflected so much life.  he was feeling like we were supposed to love this little girl and make her part of our forever family and maybe even adopt her.  imagine my surprise!  this was coming from a man who for a long time didn't know how we were going to handle three boys, but "at least they're boys, he said.  i'm terrified of little girls...i wouldn't know what to do with a daughter!"  suddenly, he's telling me God has given us a daughter.  so i said yes, though i didn't feel the gut pull toward kadey.  she spoke to his heart and my heart was busy speaking to yours.

day three was torture.  we brought all four of you to the guest house that afternoon, and tried explaining that kadey was going to be part of our forever family.  i think at first you thought we were abandoning you.  that we didn't want our three boys anymore, we wanted the new girl at the center.  foday, you were sobbing.  abdul, you became just as upset.  (suf, you were just glad to be at the guest house!)  Auntie Kayla was so helpful and took kadey away to play so we could talk to you guys.  it was so hard.  it broke my heart to see you so upset.  we asked Uncle Osseh to come over and tell you guys in Krio what it meant to add kadey to our family.  that it was just one more person to love!  that we didn't love you any less, that you weren't any less our sons.  we spent the majority of the day trying to comfort your hurt feelings, but it was tough.  you felt someone infringing on our family, and you were upset about it.  i understood, and i wondered if we'd made a mistake.

eventually things leveled out.  by day four, we'd all spoken with Uncle Daniel and Quami and i think you finally understood.  a family is a hard thing to share, especially when you haven't had one for three years.  especially when you have to share with someone you hardly know.  someone who's a little bit different, a little scary, a little scrappy, and just unfamiliar.  by the end of our trip everyone was okay.  we had the support of the staff, the other kids, forever families, and most importantly, our three sons.

you take such good care of each other and you watch out for one another.  we know one day you will include kadey as a sibling that you'll protect no matter what.  she needs that love and protection so bad. i'll be praying every day that you accept her as you do each other.

i love you.  and i miss you.

mom

where do i begin...

dear sweet, amazing, better-than-we-ever-dreamed-you-could-be boys,

we are finally home.  after 48 hours of travel, we have come home to the land of clean water, consistent electricity, and deodorant.  someday you'll understand the importance of those things.  for now, your ignorance is a good thing!

i want so bad to post all 875+ photos and 80+ videos of our first trip to see you, but all my cords and chargers are in our checked baggage currently being held hostage by United Airlines.  my first piece of motherly advice - never fly United.  they are AWFUL.  but that's another story...

i will forever remember that first moment that i saw you.  abdulrahman, i saw your giant smile first.  then megan was next to me and said, "there's sufian!"  suf, you were in front, so i grabbed you and hugged you.  then i said, "where's foday?" and Ab, you pointed right next to you.  foday, you were standing there quietly, just beaming at me.  dad grabbed sufian and i held your hands as we walked to the center.

i can't explain how it just felt normal and right.  i try to tell our friends and family that it's like falling in love.  it's just right.  you three were perfect and just as we thought you'd be.  foday, you were quiet and a little shy, but so incredibly smart and wearing a smile from ear to ear.  ab, you were a little more talkative and outgoing, and i remember you just kept looking at me...probably thinking the same thing i was, "is this really happening?  are you really here?"  sufian, you were a total joy and a total handful from the first moment.  fighting, hugging, singing, loving, dancing - you are all over the place!  the three of you are an incredible indication that The Raining Season has developed an amazing place for children without families who can care for them.  children who are so happy, so well-behaved, so smart, and so in love with their sponsors and forever families.  that first day was beautiful and surreal, but in a way it was completely normal and comfortable.  i think i hugged and kissed you about 3,000 times.  i know if you knew how to say it you would've sighed and said, "come ooooon, mom!  stop!"

Sufian, 4 yrs

Abdulrahman, 6 yrs

we played soccer, catch, colored, took pictures, listened to music, ate snacks, and talked.  from the very first moment we saw you, we were smitten.

and that was just day one...

love,

mom

chicago pizza...

dear sweet fellas,

We are here at the chicago airport enjoying our six hour layover, about to dive into some pizza! i hear we may have pizza in Freetown, so this is sort of a research project to see which one is better.

it seems pretty surreal that we're on our way. it's something we've been planning for so long and suddenly, it's here! i'm typically the anxious type, and i can say with total honesty that I'm not nervous to make this trip. my stomach may feel differently because it has been in turmoil the last couple of days, but things are starting to settle down. I think it was just trying to get some stuff out of the way!

so we'll be in SL in about 16 hours and we'll be smothering you in kisses in about 24 hours or so...

Love,
Mom

open heart surgery...

dear wonderful, amazing, wanted, loved boys -

we get to see you in three days.  i remember when it was six months!  and now here we are...  dad and i have talked to a lot of people that have traveled to Africa and seen some really tough stuff.  they almost  all have the same experience - you'll go, it'll be hard, you'll come back to America, and you'll try to get back to normal.  some people do and some people don't.  you go with your eyes and your heart open, a survivalist mentality, and lots of optimism.

everyone is wishing me luck.  everyone is asking me if i'm nervous.  and everyone is being very encouraging.  they're warning me of the long recovery period.  when we get back, i'm supposed to take it easy and give myself plenty of time to heal.  it sure doesn't sound like i'm taking a trip - it sounds like i'm going in for open heart surgery...


i know i am coming to see you with a very open heart.  a heart laid wide open.  a heart that wants to love you and wants you to love it back.  my heart is going to see the orphanage where you live, the extremely poor community where that orphanage is, and the very unfortunate children in that community that aren't lucky enough to be in the orphanage.  this heart will see the good and the bad.  the happy and the sad.  the charity and the injustice.  the living and the dying.  the love and the indifference.


it will see you for the first time ever and tell you hello and give you a welcoming hug.  it will see you for the last time for many months and tell you goodbye and give you a tearful hug.  i have done my best to  prepare my heart for this tough journey of adopting you, but i don't know if there's anything to prepare my heart for this first trip.  all i know is to soak up every second of love and worry about the hurt later.

it sounds silly but i believe god is performing this operation on my heart.  He is taking a vulnerable and weak heart and opening it to a lot of hurt.  for a while it will feel the opposite of good, but i know eventually the healed heart will be stronger than it ever was before He got a hold of it.

the ultimate thing i know is that with this open and hurting heart come three little boys who also have hurting hearts.  these little boys need love, love, and more love.  lucky for us all, dad and i have all that love and then some to heal your hearts, and i have a feeling our hearts, too, will be healed when we finally get you home.

love,
mom