i get distracted by the everyday busyness that rules our lives now that your brothers are home. i get distracted by my job, dad's job, your brothers' homework, cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking dinner, and grocery shopping. i get distracted by these everyday things, and then on one friday morning i get sucked into the vacuum of your genuine sadness and those things all fall away.
we skyped this morning, and it was just fine until nathan popped in and showed you his class picture. you crumbled. tears. indistinguishable words. sobbing. mollynette scooped you up and began consoling you. i don't know what set you off, but it was a bomb.
mollynette told us that you were saying you missed your brothers and that you didn't think they were praying hard enough for you to come home. crushing. crushing that your heart feels abandoned. again. crushing that your heart feels like those people you love and who love you have let you down. again. crushing that you feel that lazy prayers are the reason why you have not come home to us.
i am sad, but i am rejuvenated. this morning was a reminder that, no, all is not well in the world of our daughter. we are all here in nashville as a family, loving and living every day together, and you are there. not alone but lonely. not forgetting but forgotten. 20 minutes a week on skype is not enough to convince you that we are with you. 20 minutes a week on skype is not enough to convince ME that we are with you.
your brother edwin tells everyone when they ask, "do you have brothers or sisters?" that he has two brothers and one sister. without fail, he tells everyone he has a sister. he does not forget. friends ask from time to time how the process is going, and i explain that it's not. the birth family is simply unwilling at this time.
grandma pat's husband (grumpy, we call him...but he's never grumpy!) asked me the other day, "what's the latest on kaday?" i explained to him your family's unwillingness to allow you to be adopted and then i told him i was going to try to pursue an abandonment case to support adoption. i told him it had never been done before - not with a child who had living relatives that were "claiming" her but not caring for her. and then i said, "but i'm not afraid to be the first." it sounds so cliche, but i realize i meant it. like i told you today on skype, i will fight to bring you home. i will not give up until you are here with us. you may be 10 years old or 20 years old, but some day you will be with us. you nodded and said that you understood. i stressed to you that, in fact, your brothers pray for you every. single. night. they pray that your africa family will agree to adoption. they talk about the day when you'll be here with us and that you will probably love to watch Barbie cartoons. i have two big plastic bins full of clothes for you (getting too small every day.) we have dolls, toys, bedding, and other things just waiting for your arrival.
sometimes i get distracted, but sometimes maybe it's a way to cope and survive this waiting period, this time apart. don't ever think we've forgotten you. we will never stop fighting to bring you home.
love,
mom
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