it has been over four months that you've been home now. we've run the gamut of emotions, activities, behaviors, disciplines, and celebrations. i've needed to write about life for a while now, but somehow it's been tough for me to sit down and write anything coherent! your dad said to me the other day, "i don't think your brain is working right." which sounds mean, but he was kinda right. my brain went from being totally in charge and on top of life to being slammed with a million new concerns, feelings, and worries. it's to be expected, but it's still a somewhat uncomfortable place for me to be in.
see, i thrive when i'm in control! it's always been my thing. the irony of course is that as a big believer in God, i'm never truly in control. and to compound that matter, parents are never truly in control of their children's lives. we've managed to strike a balance of controlled chaos. and that's on the good days.
the first couple of months were about survival. wake up, eat, love, go to sleep. just surviving. we got really good at that around the middle of January. the last couple of months and the next couple of years will be about functioning with efficiency. it's now not enough to just survive. we have to get caught up in school, we have to learn to respect adults, we have to learn to be kind to our brothers, we have to practice our shooting technique for basketball, we have to learn to pee IN the toilet and not around it (will you ever learn how to aim?!?!?!)
let's start with the easiest thing about all this! you three are incredibly helpful. you do dishes, you wipe counters, you make beds, you do laundry, you sweep and mop floors, and you clean bathrooms. you even clean dad's bathroom, which is something I try not to do! you never whine when we ask you to do a chore. for three adolescent boys, that's miraculous. i'm a new parent, and even i realize that!
your three separate personalities are becoming very distinct, and dad and i love getting to know each of you and what makes you tick. nathan, you are by far and wide our most sensitive guy. you are able to pick up on emotions of those around you and you are incredibly emotional yourself. (dare i say dramatic, at times?) you made me cry when you asked if Grammy could come live with us in Tennessee because you felt sad for her that she has to live alone. you felt really sorry for the dog next door to JoJo who spends her days alone in the backyard with no one to play with her. you talked about Mr. Steve, the man in the wheelchair on the street corner by Cross Point for weeks after we spoke to him and gave him money. (where did he go? did he have enough food?) you were terribly upset when you thought we might be forgetting our Shenge family and were trying to replace them with all the new Texas and New Mexico family we were visiting. it was a monumental moment for our family when dad finally helped you understand that we will never replace your birth mother or father or relatives. we only add to that family and become a bigger family. i think you might really understand that now.
in the last two weeks we've spoken to your birth family four times. i can only thank God above for that opportunity because it's clear how important it is to you, nathan. edwin and bennett, i'm not sure you realize how huge that is to pick up the phone and call your birth mother in the rural countryside of Sierra Leone, but someday you will. the laughter and the giggles she let loose when hearing your voices is a sound i won't forget. i'm pretty sure she did a happy dance when we said we'd saved up money to buy her three bags of rice and fix her roof. such small things to us and such blessings to her.
edwin, you are a relief. that is the best way i can describe you. incredibly intelligent but content to kind of cruise through life. you're always somewhere in the middle. rarely in a bad mood, rarely crying, rarely angry (though when you do get mad, you get MAD), and always with a joyful sense of humor. you are a pleasure to be around. i love being around your brothers, too, i do! but sometimes your laid back attitude is so lovely. and when you let loose and giggle? i mean, it's in my top 5 favorite sounds in the whole entire world. your speaking voice is so low, and your laugh is this hilarious giggle that totally lights up anyone within earshot.
bennett, bennett, bennett. one minute you are squeezing me tight and kissing me full on the mouth and the next you're screaming "you're DISGUSTING!" from the other side of the soccer field when i tell you it's time to go. i would laugh if i didn't want to smack you! you are the life of the party. you are known by all the teachers at school for all the RIGHT reasons, thank goodness. you are sweet, you are funny, you are a great dancer, and you are maddeningly picky about your clothes. you have about five different accents you can access at any time of speaking. you have your valley girl, your all-american, your french, your russian/polish (my personal favorite), and you're native sierra leonean. i don't know where you learned all that, but it's kind of amazing. you are learning so many new things, and it's astonishing to see how much you pick up. words, mannerisms, attitudes. when we got back from Texas for Spring Break you'd somehow picked up this insane whining thing. every word out of your mouth was said with drawn out whiny syllables in a high voice. really? i have no where you got that, but we nipped that pretty quick.
our new big challenge is learning respect, especially respect for me. nathan and edwin, you guys pretty much get it. every now and again you slip and give me a look that could make the devil go cold, but you've understood pretty quickly that behaviors like that are no way to treat your mother. bennett, you on the other hand have some work to do. dad does an amazing job of praising me in front of you guys all the time. in nightly prayers, at the dinner table, etc. he is loving on me! we hope that you can see in the flesh what it means to respect your wife, the woman you love, and the mother of your children. unfortunately, that is not anything you learned in your native country, so it's a matter of us helping you unlearn that. i think the moment i really realized the submissiveness of a woman was when we sat in a circle with your uncles and grandfather discussing the fate of your adoption, and your mother solemnly stood in the back of the crowd of onlookers around us. she was not an active part of that discussion. ultimately, she had to agree or not agree, but her opinion was not valuable enough to be in that inner circle. AND SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU. SHE HAD TO SURRENDER YOU TO THE ORPHANAGE. and she was not invited into the conversation until the very end when her yes was requested and her signature was required.
we've had repeated conversations about how it's not acceptable to hit a woman. ever. it is not acceptable to say mean and hurtful things to a woman, especially if you love her. a woman is not an object. a woman is not a servant. a woman can be as good as a man at almost anything (this statement is astonishing to you, and we will, i suspect, spend the next 15 years attempting to make you realize that.) bennett, you have a major issue with this notion of respecting a woman...especially your mother. you are frighteningly close to learning what life will be like without privileges like soccer, outside playtime, friends, TV, sweets, and anything else rewarding about this life with mom and dad. for some reason you feel like you can treat me badly, say hurtful things, and just skate through life. it ain't gonna happen that way, buddy. i hope we don't have to teach you that hard lesson, but it is just around the corner if we don't see some significant changes in you. you are jekyll and hyde, my youngest boy. one minute you are clinging to my lap and the next you are breaking my heart a little bit with the things that come out of your mouth.
but this is parenting. we are learning what we always knew - it. is. HARD. the other day, grandma pat was here, and as she was walking out the door, she hugged me and said, "hang in there, darlin'!" i laughed and said i would. after she was out the door, dad turned to me and said, "are you, like, telling your family that it's really hard or that you're unhappy or something?" and i said, "IT IS HARD!!! of course i'm telling them it's hard!!!" hahaha. it is hard, and i am all about transparency. i will not be that person who only talks about rainbows and puppies (although, i do love puppies), or only posts perfect pictures and life moments on Facebook. i'm nowhere near unhappy, and i have never for a moment regretted saying yes to the invitation to be your mom, but it's hard! i miss my clean, unscuffed, unviolated house. i miss my quiet evenings. i miss a lot of things, but that doesn't mean i want them back at the expense of not having you guys! i'm starting to get to the point where when i do have my quiet, i miss the madness. i miss the chaos. i am in that weird middle state where i want it all but i don't want to lose any of what i have now. and that's totally okay because i am loved, and blessed, and blessed, and blessed beyond belief. blessed to have these three handsome boys in my life. blessed that, of all the crazy turns or boring straights my life could've taken, jesus gave me THIS, and i wouldn't change it for anything. i mean that with all my heart and soul.
i love you,
mom
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