another hard day...

dear kaday,

dad keeps reminding me to focus on the positive and not the sad, but it's so hard to see your sad face on Skype and know what my leaving you behind is going to do to your little heart.  so beautiful and so sad.  it absolutely kills me.

we decided to split up you and your brothers for Skype every week from now on.  i think it's only fair to give you your own time with us and give your brothers their own time with us.  every time we Skype, inevitably adoption and America enter the conversation.  the look on your face crushes me.  you sit back in your chair and you look down and cross your arms...and it absolutely kills me.

dear Lord, please, please, please keep watch over Kaday.  please help her not to be sad.  please help us to have the faith that you've got this under control.  i pray that we get a meeting with Kaday's birth family.  i pray that we can communicate to them that they are doing the right thing by relinquishing guardianship.  please help me not to harbor anger toward her birth family.  please help me understand that they come from a hard past, hard lives, and their treatment of their birth daughter is a direct result of the hardships they've encountered.  God, i just want to love this little girl who has never known love in her whole entire life.  she's known sadness, illness, abuse and abandonment. please, please Lord, help us to find a way to bring her home to our family where she will know love and safety for the rest of her life.

in Jesus' name we pray, amen.

i love you, Kaday.  we will find a way, i promise.

mom

it's almost time!!!!!!!!!!!

dear kiddos,

suddenly, i find myself running around and preparing to bring you home.  i might actually be going to get you in November!  you might actually be sleeping in our home in six weeks.  SIX WEEKS.  that's really, really soon!

i finished painting your room yesterday, foday.  it was brown with a random green wall that i thought would be fun at the time, but brown and green do NOT go with your gray and navy with orange accents motif.  so of course i had to paint your room gray!

ab and suf, your bunk beds finally arrived!  they are amazing.  i climbed on top and the thing didn't even move.  i feel quite confident you can jump and slam into it and the bed will survive.  (hopefully, you will, too.)

we had a little shower that some friends threw for us.  incredibly kind, thoughtful, excited, and loving people blessed us with clothes, bedding, toys, bikes, and other essentials for you guys.  we sat at a long, beautiful table under cafe lights and a giant tree and celebrated the three handsome boys that will soon be a daily part of our lives.  dad and i are constantly floored by the support of those around us.  little notes here and there congratulating us, gifts for you boys, help getting the house ready, and people simply loving us.

Uncle Osseh's wife Mabel is visiting for a while.  she came over with Sarah for her medical procedures.  Mabel is a great woman, and she's enjoying seeing all Nashville has to offer (including Chick-Fil-A!)  Lois loves her!

Auntie Taylor has been at the center for a few months.  she says you always talk about America, Foday.  i wish we could talk about it on Skype more, but it's hard to talk much about adoption because Kaday is there.  i feel so sad for her when we talk about all the amazing things and experiences that will soon be your lives and she will not yet get to be a part of it.  she may never get to be a part of it.  i am so excited to come get you boys and bring you home, but i am so sad that i will have to leave you, Kaday.

the center always has a goodbye ceremony for the children that are adopted and are leaving.  everyone joins together and sings.  the staff gives their advice and says their goodbyes.  your friends will hug you goodbye, you may cry, they may cry, and i know i will definitely cry.  i think i would be so sad anyway, but leaving you, Kaday, is going to devastate me, i think.  i am praying that God will help both of our hearts during that transition.  i want to be happy and joyful that we are getting our three sons home!!!  and i am praying that i can be happy and joyful one day that our daughter is home, too.

that's the latest from the Spillman house.  we love you guys.  love you so, so, so much.  i have to be honest - it is absolutely surreal that you will be home within two months.  we are going from childless to three in a matter of seconds!  0 to 300 mph in my head!

i.  can't.  WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you,
mom

dreams...

(wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot to post...)

they're a blessing and a curse.  i dreamed last night that dad and i came to visit you guys!  you were at the beach, and we surprised you by showing up for a visit!  sufian, you saw us first and you jumped into dad's arms.  i was sort of standing back watching everything, and kaday you smiled but said, "where's mom?" with sadness in your voice.  so i walked toward you and smiled, and said, "kaday!"  you just beamed and ran to me and i picked you up and hugged you and held you for a long, long time.

we all decided to go find abdul and foday.  we walked down the beach with dad holding sufian and me holding kaday.  we saw foday and abdul racing some other boys near the water, so we yelled and they came running over to us and we hugged and laughed and hugged!  we were all so happy.

i woke up and i was in a happy mood because it was like i'd gotten to see you all!  and then that sort of faded, and i started to get sad because it was like i'd gotten to see you but really i hadn't.  i started to think that i can't wait to get you boys home...maybe in January?  but then that made me think that i'll have to do the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, and that is leave you behind, kaday, while we try to find a way to adopt you.

i got this picture of you today from Auntie Megan:

kaday, you look very happy and healthy, and it looks like maybe the medication i sent you for your fungal virus is helping!  when i asked you about it, you said, "mom, it is bitter!  it is sweet!"  haha.  you don't really know if you like it or not.

my heart is a little bit happy and a little bit crushed today, and that's pretty much been the general emotion the whole way through this adoption thing.  but we have good news!  we got our letters of provisional approval this past week for the boys, so we are one step closer.

i love you all.  i miss you all.  i can't wait to see you again.

love,

mom