yesterday marked a big occasion! my first post-adoption meltdown. i made it almost a whole month before the tears caught me. i think it was the perfect storm. dad took you guys to run errands, buy my christmas gift, and eat lunch at the hibachi grill while i accomplished some things around the house. auntie alli and auntie val were perfect Santa's elves. we wrapped and wrapped and watched Party of Five on netflix. we ate scrambled eggs, Christmas goodies, and this delicious Chex-based treat we call Christmas Crack. amazing. it was a wonderful morning. dad called to say you guys were headed home, and i was excited for you to see all the wrapped gifts under the tree!
and then reality hit. it wasn't anything major. no big fights or injuries or fits. just kids running in with grocery bags and hibachi leftovers, excited yells and dance moves. i decided it was a good time to load some photos onto my computer. but then bennett grabbed his leftovers and started dancing with them, all the while pouring mystery chicken and rice juice all over the floor. nathan and edwin were yelling and punching keys on my computer wanting to watch videos of themselves on Facebook while i referee'd and played defense for my laptop's sake. and then i think i just had enough.
i went into the kitchen and dad was already halfway out the door to go to the cabin and work. his reprieve. his retreat. his escape. i jokingly said, "no! don't go!" and i hugged him and said, "i'm feeling a little overwhelmed. i think i'm about to cry." (also i cried in the middle of Holland House, a fancy restaurant that auntie val and auntie al took me to the other night, whilst tornados whistled in the background, and our kind server guy looked at me out of the corner of his eye trepidatiously. but that's another story.) and dad misunderstood because he, too, is overwhelmed at times. and then i got upset because he can't read my mind. and he said, "what do you want me to say?!" and i said, "i want you to be a trash can!" because trash cans just listen and tool kits try to fix things, but yesterday i needed a trash can. and then he said, "my lid is open. i am your trash can." and i cried and lois begged to be petted and dad told me he loved me and auntie alli was upstairs keeping you guys in line and auntie val was sitting there kinda terrified with it all.
and i pulled it together. and i felt so much better! because here's the thing - when you put it in black and white, it just doesn't seem that hard. thankfully, it's not like you're setting fire to your bedspreads or killing innocent animals with your bare hands (although, i think you might kill a squirrel if you could get a hold of one. again, i'm told that's just boys.) but sometimes, it's just plain hard. sometimes i get so tired of reprimanding and correcting and punishing and blah blah blah that i just need to lay on the bean bag downstairs with dad and cry on his arm and get his shirt really wet.
you were perfectly behaved with dad, and then the moment i took you out the perfect melted away. sitting in the parking lot of the wine store while auntie val ran in (thank you, val), nathan and edwin decided to hit each other. edwin, you cried because it's always the end of the world when you get hit. by that time, i was done because i had already told you to settle down 19 times since we pulled into that parking space, which happened to be right smack dab in front of the entrance. so i pulled a total mom move, got out of the front seat, yanked open the back door and got in your faces. that bought me about an hour of good behavior. auntie val bought you hot chocolate at the Target Starbucks while i did some last minute stocking stuffer shopping. i came back to some very joyful and well-behaved boys. and then i took you to the bathroom. 10 minutes later nathan and edwin were still in there. i had to send the janitor in there to find you, and edwin emerged with his head covered in soap, a gift from nathan. oh thou hath unleashed the fury. finally made it into the truck and headed to the airport to welcome home our friends auntie kelly, junio and isaac. (PS - two more kids HOME to be with their forever families for Christmas!) another bathroom break at the airport, and I can hear you screeching and playing all the way in the women's restroom. then i hear a man walk out and chuckle nervously and say to auntie val, "well, they're having fun with the water..." oh. no. you. didn't. i walked halfway into that men's bathroom and thundered, "nathan and edwin, GET OUT HERE NOW!" i was that mom. i was in full mom mode. i grabbed you, pulled you over by the baggage claim and laid into you. i didn't even care. i was so that mom and I DID NOT EVEN CARE!
and then we went upstairs, and all your friends from sierra leone were there. and it was so fun. and so cute. and you were mad at me, and i was mad at you. but i was reminded of the miracle we live every day, and the miracle so many other families live every day, and i know this is meant to be. as hard, as maddening, as frustrating, as much as some days (most days?) i want to absolutely smack you upside the head, this is as it should be, and we are BLESSED to have you. like really, really blessed.
i love you.
mom
ps - here are some pictures with your friends!
