it's january 1, 2015. a brand new year! new year, new goals, new things, new experiences, new everything. i can't help but wish a tiny bit for nothing all that new this coming year, haha.
2014 was a LOT of new - new challenges, new emotions, new kids, new dog, new job, new friends, new victories, new failures, new school, new routine, new grass, new (to us) car, new, new, new. and you know what? i am so grateful for it. really, i could not have asked for more new awesomeness in my life. but i kind of discovered there's a point where new gets a little exhausting. i'm not complaining, no, because i definitely asked for all of this. i couldn't imagine it any other way, and i wouldn't want it any other way, but i'm okay admitting our struggles.
i know 2014 was the most challenging and character-building year all of us have had in our lives. i can say that without a doubt for myself, and probably for you guys, too. (dad's had some character-building years in the past, so i can't quite speak for him...but 2014 is probably in his top 5!) i am constantly in awe of how you three have had your lives absolutely turned upside down, and you've thrived. thrived at daily life, thrived at school, thrived at friendships, thrived at sports, and thrived as family members. i think i do a pretty good job of checking my expectations when it comes to these things that i anticipated would be challenging for all of us. i'm learning to be more patient with school work, but i did expect that to be hard. i'm learning to be more patient with behavior and other things i expected to be hard. i've come a long way, and i still get surprised when i discover i do have great expectations of you boys, because when those expectations aren't met, i find myself so disappointed. it's not fair, it's not really right, but it's reality nevertheless.
we had a tough visit to texas for Christmas. dad actually said to me the night we arrived after our 12 hour drive, "i don't give you enough credit. a whole day with them is TOUGH." and he didn't mean it like he doesn't enjoy spending time with you or he doesn't love you, but he meant it like it's tough to maintain that joyful and grateful attitude when you guys are fighting over beef jerky and the iPad. ten feet away. for 12 hours. and that was just the first day. we are blessed to have family in texas that are like, whatever! bring on the chaos! bring on the loud, wrestling, screaming, door-slamming adolescent boys! bring on those handsome kids who eat like adults and poop like adults so it stinks up the whole house! but it's nothing like transplanting our family life into someone else's home for four days to make you realize just how insane things can be. throw a 6-month old puppy in there who has an affinity for barking at cattle and pooping on new, clean carpet, and it's a dang circus.
we're still not to the point where we don't feel the ramifications of physical and emotional relocation, no matter how temporary. interrupt the routine, interrupt the environment, and you get interrupted emotions. my silly expectations assumed Christmas would make it all better! gifts, late bedtimes, eating out, playtime with cousins, loooots of tv - all that should balance out the potential negatives of interrupted lifestyle, right? wrong. christmas eve was the ultimate showdown between my expectations and your imbalanced emotions, and it culminated in a maternal breakdown that hasn't happened in months.
the short story is we opened gifts with extended family on Christmas eve. their main Christmas celebration, our first of about three or four spread out over the next few days with various sects of family. i warned you that this was their only Christmas, but it was your first Christmas out of several, and so the amount of gifts wouldn't be equal. thankfully, Tomma, JoJo, Uncle Rick, Grammy and dear ol' Mom and Dad had thrown together some goodies from your Christmas list for you to open. it didn't matter. Bennett managed to get really happy and excited about his gifts, but Edwin and Nathan, you guys mustered up your best, all-american adolescent indifference about your gifts, and i surprised even myself by crumbling. i expected those attitudes last year, kinda, but this year? i thought we'd be past that. and you did it in front of family and friends, to boot. and all my girly emotions came bubbling up, and i started crying! you had sulked out to the trampoline by then, but i cried to Dad and to my dad while picking up the tossed aside sports jerseys and new basketballs. nothing like tears from Mom to inspire a good old-fashioned fatherly lecture. Dad called us all out to the car, and by the time i got there he said you both had something to say. you begrudgingly apologized, and in response i started crying again. hard. it surprised even me how upset i was. i sobbed about how blessed we are, how you were getting pencils and socks for Christmas at the orphanage a year ago, how your grandfather and great-grandmother spent good money on those gifts, and i couldn't believe you didn't even tell them thank you, etc. etc. it sufficiently got the point across, though. i think that was the first time you guys have seen me cry over something directly related to you. (i typically hide in the bathroom or in my bed, remember?)
it sucked. it just absolutely sucked. there i was, Christmas eve, the most joyful and happy of all holidays, wanting to have the perfect night with MY extended family, MY kids opening gifts that were MY idea given by MY dad and MY grandmother, and MY hopes were crushed. looking back, it's kinda silly, right? first of all, no one noticed. everyone else was too busy making sure their kids gave the obligatory thank yous and smiles during present opening. even Dad didn't notice until i said something and started bawling.
the thing is, i thought i was over all those expectations! i thought, hey, i'm an old pro at this adoptive parenting thing. (and by the way, your reactions are not unique to adopted kids. pretty standard kid attitudes, for a lot of families, but i'm pegging yours on the traumatic history because surely my kids aren't just NATURALLY ungrateful?!?!) i guess it was just a good reminder that we're not in the free and clear. no sir, not by a long shot. we've kinda been on cruise control lately, and i'm proud of us for that. but i think i got a little comfy and needed a reminder that we still have work to do!
luckily, it's the work i love and the work God empowered us to do. we still need to work on being grateful - all of us, not just you guys. we still need to work on building up your confidence and emotional well-being. we still need to work on attitudes and expectations. oh, and there's that whole patience thing that i have such a hard time with!
ultimately, you guys got the message, and we all enjoyed a happy, joyful remainder of the visit. you were grateful that Santa brought you some nice stuff Christmas morning. and i am grateful that we get to try all over again in 2015 to curb expectations and stress gratefulness, because isn't that what this is all about? grace.
rules for the new year: love god and love each other. and don't make your mother cry on Christmas eve. :)
love, mom
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| (Santa hat + neck pillow = Merry Christmas) |
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| (Besties) |
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| (A dapper gentleman must always travel in style) |
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| (A rare moment that Tenki was not pooping on the carpet) |
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| (Cousin playtime) |
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| (Pre-meltdown) |
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