where does the time go...

dear boys,

it has been over four months that you've been home now.  we've run the gamut of emotions, activities, behaviors, disciplines, and celebrations.  i've needed to write about life for a while now, but somehow it's been tough for me to sit down and write anything coherent!  your dad said to me the other day, "i don't think your brain is working right."  which sounds mean, but he was kinda right.  my brain went from being totally in charge and on top of life to being slammed with a million new concerns, feelings, and worries.  it's to be expected, but it's still a somewhat uncomfortable place for me to be in.

see, i thrive when i'm in control!  it's always been my thing.  the irony of course is that as a big believer in God, i'm never truly in control.  and to compound that matter, parents are never truly in control of their children's lives.  we've managed to strike a balance of controlled chaos.  and that's on the good days.

the first couple of months were about survival.  wake up, eat, love, go to sleep.  just surviving.  we got really good at that around the middle of January.  the last couple of months and the next couple of years will be about functioning with efficiency.  it's now not enough to just survive.  we have to get caught up in school, we have to learn to respect adults, we have to learn to be kind to our brothers, we have to practice our shooting technique for basketball, we have to learn to pee IN the toilet and not around it (will you ever learn how to aim?!?!?!)

let's start with the easiest thing about all this!  you three are incredibly helpful.  you do dishes, you wipe counters, you make beds, you do laundry, you sweep and mop floors, and you clean bathrooms.  you even clean dad's bathroom, which is something I try not to do!  you never whine when we ask you to do a chore.  for three adolescent boys, that's miraculous.  i'm a new parent, and even i realize that!

your three separate personalities are becoming very distinct, and dad and i love getting to know each of you and what makes you tick.  nathan, you are by far and wide our most sensitive guy.  you are able to pick up on emotions of those around you and you are incredibly emotional yourself.  (dare i say dramatic, at times?)  you made me cry when you asked if Grammy could come live with us in Tennessee because you felt sad for her that she has to live alone.  you felt really sorry for the dog next door to JoJo who spends her days alone in the backyard with no one to play with her.  you talked about Mr. Steve, the man in the wheelchair on the street corner by Cross Point for weeks after we spoke to him and gave him money.  (where did he go?  did he have enough food?)  you were terribly upset when you thought we might be forgetting our Shenge family and were trying to replace them with all the new Texas and New Mexico family we were visiting.  it was a monumental moment for our family when dad finally helped you understand that we will never replace your birth mother or father or relatives.  we only add to that family and become a bigger family.  i think you might really understand that now.

in the last two weeks we've spoken to your birth family four times.  i can only thank God above for that opportunity because it's clear how important it is to you, nathan.  edwin and bennett, i'm not sure you realize how huge that is to pick up the phone and call your birth mother in the rural countryside of Sierra Leone, but someday you will.  the laughter and the giggles she let loose when hearing your voices is a sound i won't forget.  i'm pretty sure she did a happy dance when we said we'd saved up money to buy her three bags of rice and fix her roof.  such small things to us and such blessings to her.

edwin, you are a relief.  that is the best way i can describe you.  incredibly intelligent but content to kind of cruise through life.  you're always somewhere in the middle.  rarely in a bad mood, rarely crying, rarely angry (though when you do get mad, you get MAD), and always with a joyful sense of humor.  you are a pleasure to be around.  i love being around your brothers, too, i do!  but sometimes your laid back attitude is so lovely.  and when you let loose and giggle?  i mean, it's in my top 5 favorite sounds in the whole entire world.  your speaking voice is so low, and your laugh is this hilarious giggle that totally lights up anyone within earshot.

bennett, bennett, bennett.  one minute you are squeezing me tight and kissing me full on the mouth and the next you're screaming "you're DISGUSTING!" from the other side of the soccer field when i tell you it's time to go.  i would laugh if i didn't want to smack you!  you are the life of the party.  you are known by all the teachers at school for all the RIGHT reasons, thank goodness.  you are sweet, you are funny, you are a great dancer, and you are maddeningly picky about your clothes.  you have about five different accents you can access at any time of speaking.  you have your valley girl, your all-american, your french, your russian/polish (my personal favorite), and you're native sierra leonean.  i don't know where you learned all that, but it's kind of amazing.  you are learning so many new things, and it's astonishing to see how much you pick up.  words, mannerisms, attitudes.  when we got back from Texas for Spring Break you'd somehow picked up this insane whining thing.  every word out of your mouth was said with drawn out whiny syllables in a high voice.  really?  i have no where you got that, but we nipped that pretty quick.

our new big challenge is learning respect, especially respect for me.  nathan and edwin, you guys pretty much get it.  every now and again you slip and give me a look that could make the devil go cold, but you've understood pretty quickly that behaviors like that are no way to treat your mother.  bennett, you on the other hand have some work to do.  dad does an amazing job of praising me in front of you guys all the time.  in nightly prayers, at the dinner table, etc.  he is loving on me!  we hope that you can see in the flesh what it means to respect your wife, the woman you love, and the mother of your children.  unfortunately, that is not anything you learned in your native country, so it's a matter of us helping you unlearn that.  i think the moment i really realized the submissiveness of a woman was when we sat in a circle with your uncles and grandfather discussing the fate of your adoption, and your mother solemnly stood in the back of the crowd of onlookers around us.  she was not an active part of that discussion.  ultimately, she had to agree or not agree, but her opinion was not valuable enough to be in that inner circle.  AND SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.  SHE HAD TO SURRENDER YOU TO THE ORPHANAGE.  and she was not invited into the conversation until the very end when her yes was requested and her signature was required.

we've had repeated conversations about how it's not acceptable to hit a woman.  ever.  it is not acceptable to say mean and hurtful things to a woman, especially if you love her.  a woman is not an object.  a woman is not a servant.  a woman can be as good as a man at almost anything (this statement is astonishing to you, and we will, i suspect, spend the next 15 years attempting to make you realize that.)  bennett, you have a major issue with this notion of respecting a woman...especially your mother.  you are frighteningly close to learning what life will be like without privileges like soccer, outside playtime, friends, TV, sweets, and anything else rewarding about this life with mom and dad.  for some reason you feel like you can treat me badly, say hurtful things, and just skate through life.  it ain't gonna happen that way, buddy.  i hope we don't have to teach you that hard lesson, but it is just around the corner if we don't see some significant changes in you.  you are jekyll and hyde, my youngest boy.  one minute you are clinging to my lap and the next you are breaking my heart a little bit with the things that come out of your mouth.

but this is parenting.  we are learning what we always knew - it. is.  HARD.  the other day, grandma pat was here, and as she was walking out the door, she hugged me and said, "hang in there, darlin'!"  i laughed and said i would.  after she was out the door, dad turned to me and said, "are you, like, telling your family that it's really hard or that you're unhappy or something?"  and i said, "IT IS HARD!!!  of course i'm telling them it's hard!!!"  hahaha.  it is hard, and i am all about transparency.  i will not be that person who only talks about rainbows and puppies (although, i do love puppies), or only posts perfect pictures and life moments on Facebook.  i'm nowhere near unhappy, and i have never for a moment regretted saying yes to the invitation to be your mom, but it's hard!  i miss my clean, unscuffed, unviolated house.  i miss my quiet evenings.  i miss a lot of things, but that doesn't mean i want them back at the expense of not having you guys!  i'm starting to get to the point where when i do have my quiet, i miss the madness.  i miss the chaos.  i am in that weird middle state where i want it all but i don't want to lose any of what i have now.  and that's totally okay because i am loved, and blessed, and blessed, and blessed beyond belief.  blessed to have these three handsome boys in my life.  blessed that, of all the crazy turns or boring straights my life could've taken, jesus gave me THIS, and i wouldn't change it for anything.  i mean that with all my heart and soul.

i love you,
mom

the name game...

dear boys,

from the beginning of the process, we put so much thought into what we wanted your new names to be.  who would we name you after?  what would the name mean?  would it complement your personality?  would you like it?  what do we do about middle names?  never mind the legal implications...

as usual, it all worked out pretty smoothly.

Foday, we decided to name you after dad because you're the oldest boy.  his middle name is Nathan.  it also happens to mean "chosen by God" and you, my boy, are definitely chosen by God.  you are all things Bible and Jesus and faith, and the name couldn't fit you any better.

Abdulrahman, we decided to name you after dad's grandfather because he was a father figure to dad early in life.  his name was Edwin.  it sounds so classic and distinguished, but more importantly, it means "rich in friendship."  you have always been the guy who bounces around with a smile on his face and a posse of friends in your midst.  again, a perfect fit.

Sufian, we decided to name you after my grandfather.  he was the life of the party, the jokester, the happiest guy in the room.  his middle name was Bennett.  Bennett means "little blessing," and so it was perfect for you.

we initially decided to keep your birth names as your middle names, but you recently made the decision to drop those completely because they are Muslim.  i can understand that.  you want your names to be a reflection of your personality and faith, and Muslim names don't do that.  so we asked you what your middle names should be:

Nathan - "i will be Jayden because he is the red Power Ranger, the strongest Power Ranger and my favorite."  okay, WAIT A MINUTE.  let's not get carried away.  i know you live and breathe for the Power Rangers, but names are forever, and the day you turn 13 you'll be mortified that you chose the Power Rangers as your nomenclative inspiration.  so, we added a rule - as long as we agree with the meaning of that name, you may choose whatever name you'd like.  luckily, Jayden comes from Jadon, which is a Biblical name meaning "God will judge."  DONE.  that way someday when someone asks you, "why Jadon?" you'll have a good excuse to back it up and no one but me, dad and you will know it was Power Rangers!

Edwin - "i will be Michael because he is the blue Power Ranger, my favorite."  okay, minus the Power Ranger, Michael was the most awesome angel ever, so we ok'd that one.

Bennett - "i will be Emily because she is the yellow Power Ranger, my favorite."  okay, no, because that's a girl's name.  "okay, i choose Emily."  no, Bennett, that's a girl's name!  "but i want the yellow Power Ranger."  okay, but she's a girl.  he eventually settled on Moses, which we love.

in case you're worried about keeping all these straight, we've further complicated things by adding your African surname Bendu as a second middle name.  just for fun.

to sum it up:

Nathan Jadon Bendu Spillman

Edwin Michael Bendu Spillman

Bennett Moses Bendu Spillman

and there you have it.  some strong names for some strong boys!

love,
mom

just your run-of-the-mill post-adoption holiday meltdown...

dear boys,

yesterday marked a big occasion!  my first post-adoption meltdown.  i made it almost a whole month before the tears caught me.  i think it was the perfect storm.  dad took you guys to run errands, buy my christmas gift, and eat lunch at the hibachi grill while i accomplished some things around the house.  auntie alli and auntie val were perfect Santa's elves.  we wrapped and wrapped and watched Party of Five on netflix.  we ate scrambled eggs, Christmas goodies, and this delicious Chex-based treat we call Christmas Crack.  amazing.  it was a wonderful morning.  dad called to say you guys were headed home, and i was excited for you to see all the wrapped gifts under the tree!

and then reality hit.  it wasn't anything major.  no big fights or injuries or fits.  just kids running in with grocery bags and hibachi leftovers, excited yells and dance moves.  i decided it was a good time to load some photos onto my computer.  but then bennett grabbed his leftovers and started dancing with them, all the while pouring mystery chicken and rice juice all over the floor.  nathan and edwin were yelling and punching keys on my computer wanting to watch videos of themselves on Facebook while i referee'd and played defense for my laptop's sake.  and then i think i just had enough.

i went into the kitchen and dad was already halfway out the door to go to the cabin and work.  his reprieve.  his retreat.  his escape.  i jokingly said, "no!  don't go!"  and i hugged him and said, "i'm feeling a little overwhelmed.  i think i'm about to cry."  (also i cried in the middle of Holland House, a fancy restaurant that auntie val and auntie al took me to the other night, whilst tornados whistled in the background, and our kind server guy looked at me out of the corner of his eye trepidatiously.  but that's another story.)  and dad misunderstood because he, too, is overwhelmed at times.  and then i got upset because he can't read my mind.  and he said, "what do you want me to say?!"  and i said, "i want you to be a trash can!"  because trash cans just listen and tool kits try to fix things, but yesterday i needed a trash can.  and then he said, "my lid is open.  i am your trash can."  and i cried and lois begged to be petted and dad told me he loved me and auntie alli was upstairs keeping you guys in line and auntie val was sitting there kinda terrified with it all.

and i pulled it together.  and i felt so much better!  because here's the thing - when you put it in black and white, it just doesn't seem that hard.  thankfully, it's not like you're setting fire to your bedspreads or killing innocent animals with your bare hands (although, i think you might kill a squirrel if you could get a hold of one.  again, i'm told that's just boys.)  but sometimes, it's just plain hard.  sometimes i get so tired of reprimanding and correcting and punishing and blah blah blah that i just need to lay on the bean bag downstairs with dad and cry on his arm and get his shirt really wet.

you were perfectly behaved with dad, and then the moment i took you out the perfect melted away.  sitting in the parking lot of the wine store while auntie val ran in (thank you, val), nathan and edwin decided to hit each other.  edwin, you cried because it's always the end of the world when you get hit.  by that time, i was done because i had already told you to settle down 19 times since we pulled into that parking space, which happened to be right smack dab in front of the entrance.  so i pulled a total mom move, got out of the front seat, yanked open the back door and got in your faces.  that bought me about an hour of good behavior.  auntie val bought you hot chocolate at the Target Starbucks while i did some last minute stocking stuffer shopping.  i came back to some very joyful and well-behaved boys.  and then i took you to the bathroom.  10 minutes later nathan and edwin were still in there.  i had to send the janitor in there to find you, and edwin emerged with his head covered in soap, a gift from nathan.  oh thou hath unleashed the fury.  finally made it into the truck and headed to the airport to welcome home our friends auntie kelly, junio and isaac.  (PS - two more kids HOME to be with their forever families for Christmas!)  another bathroom break at the airport, and I can hear you screeching and playing all the way in the women's restroom.  then i hear a man walk out and chuckle nervously and say to auntie val, "well, they're having fun with the water..."  oh. no. you. didn't.  i walked halfway into that men's bathroom and thundered, "nathan and edwin, GET OUT HERE NOW!"  i was that mom.  i was in full mom mode.  i grabbed you, pulled you over by the baggage claim and laid into you.  i didn't even care.  i was so that mom and I DID NOT EVEN CARE!

and then we went upstairs, and all your friends from sierra leone were there.  and it was so fun.  and so cute.  and you were mad at me, and i was mad at you.  but i was reminded of the miracle we live every day, and the miracle so many other families live every day, and i know this is meant to be.  as hard, as maddening, as frustrating, as much as some days (most days?) i want to absolutely smack you upside the head, this is as it should be, and we are BLESSED to have you.  like really, really blessed.

i love you.
mom

ps - here are some pictures with your friends!

school!

dear boys,

to preserve my sanity, we decided you would go to school the last week before Christmas holidays.  we rushed around to get shots scheduled and evaluations finished and registration completed.  the result?  you weren't crazy about the idea...until you came home the first day.  you LOVE school!

december 17 was your first day of school.  i walked you guys to your classrooms and you were so happy and excited you barely had time to turn and wave goodbye!  when i picked you up, all your teachers said you did so incredibly well.  you were all very obedient, very good listeners, and you were so friendly to your classmates.  that night you were all so PERFECTLY behaved.  so happy, so thankful, so loving.  this school thing is a GOOD thing.  auntie leslie laughed and said, i guess we take school for granted.  american kids sometimes dread it, and you guys are so thankful!  when i think of the school you came from, i can understand why.  while TRS has a great school and wonderful teachers, it just will never quite be up to american standards.  that would be impossible.  you sit on benches you share with at least 1 or 2 other kids.  no textbooks.  no markers.  no crayons.  no colorful wall decorations or carpets or even electricity!  i think i know why american school is heaven for you.

on the second day, december 18, i got an email in the early afternoon.  nathan, your teacher mrs. neese had given you a big accelerated reading test.  she just wanted to see where you stood compared to other third graders.  well, she ran out of things to test you on because you ACED the reading tests.  like, scored PERFECT on the tests until she got to the end of third grade and she couldn't test you anymore.  so basically, you are the BEST reader in class and you are ahead of most kids your age!  i'm in awe.  dad and i were so proud of you!  we celebrated and danced and shouted and sang!  such a smart boy.

edwin, your teacher said you are the best listener.  that you sit very quietly in school.  she also said you already have SO many friends!  we told her your name edwin means "rich in friendship," and that was reaffirmation that your name is a perfect fit.

bennett, your teacher says you are very sweet.  the sweetest boy in your class!  i tell her to treasure that sweetness because that sweetness may merge with energy, excitedness, and sometimes inability to listen.  :)  she loves you, though, and you love her!

i am so grateful for Harpeth Valley Elementary.  SO grateful.

love, mom

this is not america!

dear boys,

where to even start?  it's been 15 days since we got home, and it's all a blur.  there are several moments that i want to remember forever, and i want you to have these memories, too.  i believe in being realistic, and so i want us to remember the good and the bad!

everyone asks what you thought of flying in the airplane!  i'd like to say you all were in awe, fascinated with the experience, but truthfully - you were glued to the little TV's and barely noticed anything else.  you slept a lot, you ate a lot, and you were overjoyed at the special little things like headphones and candy.  the flight attendants were extremely helpful and so excited for our family.  i would not have survived without them!  bennett sufian, you got a fever near the end, and so when we arrived in Nashville you were barely conscious.  our first meal?  chick-fil-a, of course!  so many friends and family met us at the airport.  i was so excited to see everyone, and it was further proof of just how loved we all are...how loved you are.

these first two weeks have been so easy and so incredibly hard in so many ways!

(i had to take a break.  my blogging was interrupted.  can you imagine that?  it's now december 18, so i will pick up where i left off!)

the easy:
you enjoy doing dishes
you make your beds
you dress yourselves
you LOVE showers!
you like brushing your teeth
you put away clean laundry
you sweep and vacuum
you think school is the greatest thing ever
you love to play outside (bikes, basketball, soccer, etc.)
you love spaghetti, chicken, rice and fruit.  you'd be happy if we ate that every night.
you really like mexican food

the hard:
you don't like to share (understandable as you've never really had anything that's your own)
you get upset when you don't get your way
you grumble and complain.  A LOT.
you are very opinionated (where did all these opinions come from?!)
you get upset when something isn't perfect
you don't take care of your things
you yell.  loudly.  (bennett)
you hit each other.
you hold a grudge.  wow, you can hold a grudge.  (edwin and nathan)
you are extremely sensitive and angry when people make jokes or kid you.  like tears and anger and hitting and physical fighting angry.
you yell "Mom!" at least 9,725 times a day
you're still a little scared to play outside without me or dad
you love power rangers.  like LOVE power rangers.  like shoot me in the head if we have to watch it one more time love power rangers.
you get annoyed and shocked when things don't look or smell like you think they should
you don't like skinny jeans
you don't like thermal undies ("these are skin tights!  they are for women!")
you act out and get insane when we have guests over
you pass gas like crazy and it is SUPER stinky

putting it all into lists like this makes it seem so ridiculous that i could call this hard, but...it is hard!  just emotionally hard.  and physically hard.  it takes practice getting used to all this energy and activity!

i sure do love you...

mom

kids say the darndest things...

Just some observations for the memory book...

The number one most said phrase?  "You are LYING!"  We realize this is just the cultural way to say "No I didn't!" or "It wasn't me!"  or "No I'm not!"  However, it sounds so malicious and accusatory.  So, they get 5 minutes of time out every time that phrase is thrown around.  We started by saying you have to do a push-up every time you get caught saying that, but they started to think push-ups were fun.  On to time outs!

"Mom, this is not America!  It is stink!  There is stinky smell."

"This is not America!  The trees they are ugly.  They do not look like they should."

"Mom, I LOVE these clothes.  These are my favorite clothes.  Thank you for buying them for me."  (Nathan in his Old Navy t-shirt and red athletic pants.)

"Mom, we do not get sweet ever.  You no give us sweets since the first day.  Where are the sweets?"

"Mom!  This is not chicken.  I do not like these.  I need chicken."  As the boys are all inhaling their chicken roll-ups at Zoe's.

"Mom, we are having chicken?"

"Mom, I need chicken!"

"Mom, is chicken?"

"Mom, THANK you."

"I love you." (My favorite.)

I love my boys!

is it really happening?

dear kiddos,

IT'S TIME!!!!!!!

i'm in labor, my water broke, the babies are coming!  not really, but that's the only way i can communicate the impatience, anticipation, fear, excitement, nerves and every other emotion you can feel when the arrival of your babies is so impending.  i am leaving on a jet plane this saturday, november 16 and will arrive at the orphanage sunday night.  i will be staying for a week, and WE will be returning to nashville, a mother and her three handsome sons, on november 25.  just in time for Thanksgiving!  just in time to give thanks for the greatest thing that's ever happened to us.

it seems like it's taken so long, but really we are lucky.  we are blessed that our journey has taken less than two years, and for most people adopting internationally (or even domestically) it can take so much longer.  we are lucky that you will be home for the holidays because so many people will spend another christmas separated from their children.  we. are. blessed.

i've been thinking a lot lately about adoption and what it means.  i read blogs by other adoptive parents that explain the hard and easy, the ugly and beautiful, how they think they were meant to do this and how they wonder if they've made a mistake.  the truth is i've thought so much about writing a blog about this whole "adoption" thing, and i think i've come to the conclusion that i don't know enough yet.  i won't really know until you all are here.

we are adopting because we are Christians, but we are adopting because we were given the opportunity to do the good thing for children who need a family and a future.  we adopt in the name of Jesus, but we also adopt in the name of love.  we don't adopt just because we are Christians, but we do adopt because we believe in a loving God and that He has given us this unique opportunity.  i believe adoption is a tragedy, but i believe that tragedy can become triumph.  sometimes i wish adoption didn't have to happen, but sometimes selfishly (so, so selfishly) i'm glad that adoption happened to us because now we have you.  it is a massive mixture of emotions, and i'm sure those emotions will change and morph over time.

i have this naive vision that we will all be happy and healthy.  that it will be an easy transition.  that you all will have some behavior or emotional issues, but not too bad.  that i will be stressed and pulled in a lot of directions, but not so many that i can't continue to work, continue to serve The Raining Season, and be the best mother on the planet.  but ohhhhhhh, the truth is i have no idea.  dad and i simply have no idea, and so we are just asking people for their love, support and prayers that we can do a bang up job at this whole parenting thing.

maybe the sad thing is that i continue to think about this whole thing from MY perspective and not yours.  i would be remiss not to acknowledge that you are about to leave everything you've ever known.  your birth country, your language, your food, your smells, your friends, your caregivers, and your birth family - including your mother who still lives and loves as much as the day you were born.  the tragedy is that, in order to have a family, this massive breakaway must happen.  you cannot go back to your birth family.  you should not have to stay in an orphanage.  and so more heartbreak and loss is necessary to give you a life that you deserve.  it is not a journey that any child should take, but it is your journey.  and we can only hope that God and dad and i can repair that brokenness along the way.  in this case, love is not enough.  it is a big, big requirement, but it will not be enough.  we will all need support from friends and family, intervention by health and educational professionals, patience like we've never had before, and faith in our God that He will provide.

the important thing is...YOU'RE COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!

and my dear girl, kaday, someday you too will come home.  it may not be on our timeline, but God has a plan for you.  you are too exceptional, your story too compelling for Him not to have an incredible, beautiful plan for you.  i love you.  i will have to say goodbye to you, but there are many more hellos in our future.

i love you all, and i can't wait to see you.

mom